A Short Biography

It’s nice to know a little bit about the people who’s words you read, so this is a little bit about me.  This is my dull life thus far.

I was born, like most people are, while my mom was suspended upside down from the top of the Ice Caves near Niagara Falls.  This meant I had to climb up to enter the world, which gave me the superior upper body strength I now possess.  Also, being born into such a cold environment made my penis immune to “shrinkage”.  Unfortunately labour lasted for a full two weeks, but this meant that I am both an Aquarius and a Pisces, possessing the strengths of each but neither of their weaknesses.

Sadly the first few weeks of my life were somewhat wasted, without any real strength building or cardiovascular exercise.  I actually spent my first few months underwater, geting used to it so I could eventually retire down there.  At first, drowning was uncomfortable, but soon I learned the secret to breathing underwater (it’s all in the timing).

When I was five I began my two year extreme physical training regimen, reaching peak physical condition at the age of seven; it’s been downhill since then.  I would wake up and eat a whole chicken (with the feathers, to make me lighter), followed by a glass of water.  It was no ordinary water, it that had had diamonds (the hardest substance on Earth, besides my biceps) soaking in it over night, making it stronger.  I did many different types of exercises: I played catch with myself, throwing the ball as far forward as I could and then running to catch it.  I would jog for miles while crushing fistfuls of air; I would crush walnuts with my eyelids and then eat them for protein.  I would play pogs, that was more of a leisure activity.

After those two years I began to develop my mind; I removed half of my stomach to add more brain.  I read all of the important works by the most important authors.  Works on the geocentric universe, the phlogiston theory, coronium, humorism etc.  My thirst for knowledge was unquenchable.  I used to get contacts with entire books printed on them in tiny glow in the dark letters so I could read them as I slept.  I wrote out every possible 2 to 10 character combination of letters and memorized them.  I invented meanings for ones that weren’t already words.   By the age of twelve I knew everything that had ever been written about, including things that no one had ever known.

For a few years after that I relaxed, most of my friends were going through puberty, but being slightly advanced I had already conquered that foe at the age of seven.  Even so, I didn’t need to shave, I just scared my beard back into my chin every morning.

My father is one of the 213 people on Earth who know about the 27th letter of the alphabet, and at age 14 he let me in on the secret.  There are so many important and powerful words that included it which I could now use.  I would love you tell you some of them but this keyboard only has the standard 26.

One of these secret words is the password that lets you travel through time.  When I was 15 I went back and visited my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great : ) great great great great great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great great grandfather, a brontosaurus.  A nice guy, not very talkative.

Unfortunately at the age of 17 my vocal cords were badly injured when I was chosen to sing the national anthem at every major sporting event of that year.  Luckily my mom was able to teach me how to communicate telepathically, I still move my mouth as if I were talking; people seem to be fooled.

Last year, at 19 I went back in time once again to the year 9 AD, I’d heard there was going to be a huge party to usher in the first two-digit year.  I had a bit too much grapa, and things got a little bit crazy, and when I got back I realized that I’m the great great great  grandfather to half of the world.  But not to either of my parents, that would be weird.

That’s is sort of it, what else is there to say…  I tell time without resetting it every 24 hours, it’s now 17598840:41 PM.  Yikes, it’s getting late!  I can trick gravity if I say I’m going to be one place and then go somewhere else.  Oh and I can pee standing up!

Thanks for reading!

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