Often times while I’m talking to my friends, someone who’s been eavesdropping will interrupt and say- wide-eyed – “wow, you sound so fucking cool!” If I’m in a good mood I’ll let them record me saying something for them to use as a voicemail greeting, if not I’ll just sign something and send them on their way. Even automated menus I’m forced to converse with on the telephone are so impressed that they end up giving me their number. I’d love to say that all of this talent is inborn (part of it is, even my DNA strands are organized into cool sentences consisting of only A’s, C’s, T’s and G’s), but a lot of it is technique; technique that I’m about to teach to you.
There are a few rules to follow, that make you sound really cool, no matter what you are saying. But like anything, these rules require plenty of practice to implement effectively. I practice everywhere: I read the ingredients of the shampoo in cool ways while I shower, I pause movies after every line and reword them into cooler phrases, I study the dialogue in the Star Wars prequels etc. But it all starts with these rules:
1) Whenever you are responding to a question with a number and then a unit, just say the number.
A: How long will you be?
2) Whenever you are referring to a movie in a series, refer to it simply by number, without saying the movie title.
A: I love that scene in ‘two’ where they have to jump off the toilet before the bomb goes off.
3a) When you’re talking about a type of thing, refer to it by the name of two people who were known for it; adding ‘o’ to the end of the first one so you can change the pronunciation.
A: He’s getting good at that Jordano-McGrady fade-away jumpshot. (Note that Jordano would be pronounced Jor-danne-oh).
A: That song has a real Lennono-McCartney feel to it. (Note that Lennono would be pronounced Len-anne-oh).
3b) A similar tactic is describe a type of thing by using just one name and adding ‘ian’ to the end of it.
A: He’s really mastered the Spearsian dance style.
A: He’s got an O’Brianian hair-do going there.
4) Refer to celebrities by either their first or last names, never both.
A: Who do you think was the best Bond?
B: Definitely George.
A: You’ve gotta love Sting’s voice.
5a) Scott and Borgman have already touched on this but it’s worth mentioning again. Turn nouns into verbs.
A: I totally verbed that verb! (Straight out of Zits)
5b) A related strategy is to use any adjective as a synonym for ‘good’.
A: Man, Lebron is having a great year, he’s so inferior!
A: Mannn that movie had great action scenes, what’d you think?
B: I agree man! They were totally democratic!
6) Instead of saying a whole word, just say one syllable; usually the first or last works the best.
A: I’ve been workin’ on my bi’s, tri’s and quad’s at the ‘nasium, can you tell?
A: I got a pet shit’ for Christmas!
7) When talking about acronyms, instead of pronouncing each letter one at a time, say it as if it were a word.
A: Any good enbah (NBA) games on tonight?
A: Damn I forgot my pee-ine (PIN) number!
Follow these aquatic Davidian rules and you won’t be able to go twelve without having someone comp’ you on your ‘ressive speech!