18 Ways to Make the World a Better Place

01. Replace the ‘no thanks’ button on popup ads with ‘fuck off’.

02. Come up with a unit of measurement for laughter and call it ‘Daves’.

03. Let people choose any letter from their names to be their initials, not necessarily only the first ones.

04. Make every verbal exchange in list-form.

05. Stop calling it ‘body hair’. Isn’t your head part of your body?

06. Fix my fucking laptop screen so I don’t have to have everything crammed into half of it.

07. ___ ___ ___ ___

08. Stop the mistreatment of pet rocks.

09. Replace words with onomatopoeia. A phone call should be called “beep beep beep beep beep beep beep”, with an extra ‘beep’ if it’s a long distance call. MTV should be called the sound you make when you vomit.

10. Measure a person’s height in their own foot length.

11. Come up with more relevant people to name our days after.

12. Stop singing the Jeopardy theme while someone is thinking.

13. Invent bathroom doorknobs that only open if a person’s hand is wet.

14. Invent bathroom doorknobs that only open if a person’s hand is wet WITH WATER!

15. Be thankful everyday of your life that you don’t have to draw cover-pages for projects anymore.

16. Say “make palaver” instead of “have a conversation.

17. Carry around post-it notes that say ‘Like’.

18. Stop discriminating between vowels and non-vowels. They’re all letters after all abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

19. Come up with the title for lists before you write them and not the other way around.

20. Change the name of the planet to the more accurate “Water”.

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