How to Actually Make the TTC the Kinder Way

I remembered how much I fucking hate the fucking TT-fucking-C today. I thought I’d write down some ideas before I realised that I’m just tired and cranky.

1. Make everyone that uses the TTC take a course on riding the bus. They could learn things like:

– How the back doors work. That way they wouldn’t have to yell “CAN YOU OPEN THE BACK DOORS” in people’s ears, as if the driver presses a big button labelled ‘Open Back Doors’ every time someone wants to get out.

– Not to stand at the front of the bus, with a bit shit-eating grin, talking to the bus driver like he or she is some kind of tour guide, cutting the amount of space people have to get on the bus in half.

– Not to wear THEIR FUCKING BACK PACKS on the bus. And anyone that’s taken the course and still wears a back pack on the bus should be thrown in jail. It would give those goofy TTC SHERIFS, or whatever the fuck they’re called, something to do.

– Explain to these jerks that they’re not doing you a favour when they move their legs to let you out, or let you into the window seat of those two-seaters.

2. Cut the bus in two and have those first six old-people-seats be a separate bus, and then have regular buses where you can sit anywhere and not have to get up at the next stop when anyone with a touch of grey gets on. Either that or make the old people call in to reserve a seat if they want one reserved for them. It’s not like they keep the best three tables in a restaurant empty for people that are really hungry. Let’s end this chronologically stratified public transit seating system. And while you’re at it, explain to these old people that seats on TTC buses aren’t the ornate pieces of furniture they think they are, and that it’s alright for young people to put their feet up on them.

3. Explain to the TTC people that three buses arriving together doesn’t equal ‘frequent service’ if there were no other buses for thirty minutes.

4. Somehow get bus drivers to understand that not everyone under the age of thirty is out to screw them. And if you want an intact transfer maybe you shouldn’t make it out of paper that’s so thin it melts in the rain. And get rid of child tickets if you’re not going to believe that a six foot ten year old that shaves isn’t a child.

5. Label the routes in a way other than pulling numbers out of a hat.

6. In the same way that there used to be smoking and non-smoking sections, there should be a loud troglodytic inane monosyllabic NO WAY phone conversation section, and a non-phone conversation section. Actually just have a separate bus for high school kids and have it always smell like Axe so they’ll feel right at home.

7. Let people know BEFORE THEY GET ON that this subway is going to be ‘going out of service’ at the next station.


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