Number 9

Some lists from a while ago!

    39 Things I Could Do Without

1. People who ‘do lunch’.
2. People who ‘pencil you in’ for things.
3. People who ‘pencil you in’ to ‘do lunch’.
4. People who make very obvious jokes.
5. People who point out that they make obvious jokes.
6. Anyone that says “___ for the win”.
7. Raps that start with “my name is __ and I’m here to say”.
8. People who reuse Facebook statuses later on hoping they get more laughs the second time.
9. ANYONE that says “fail”, “epic fail”, or any of that internet shit out loud.
10. People who put a ‘1’ in the middle of a bunch of exclamation marks.
11. People that ask “what’s up” and expect an answer.
12. People that just say the beginning or end of words as though that makes them sound cool.
13. Insults that rhyme.
14. People who repeat themselves.
15. People that ask if you know what they mean, after every fucking sentence.
16. Cynics.
17. People who repeat themselves.
18. You thought I’d do that right away didn’t you?
19. Well I didn’t.
20. And now i don’t know what’s happening.
21. This doesn’t make sense.
17. People who don’t back track when they get sidetracked.
18. Run on sentences.
19. Sentence fragments are another thing that really bother me, because they just sound so out of place and they don’t look nice, we shouldn’t write like we speak I think.
20. Every fast food commercial that ends with an awkward moment (all of them).
21. People who write lists that no one really cares about.
22. Weather in Fahrenheit.
23. Small talk about the weather in elevators.
24. People that think Two and a Half Men are a good show.
25. Word auto-correcting my grammar.
26. Another Seth McFarlane show.
27. People that jokingly ask ‘huh huh, my left or your left?’
28. People that do not use contractions while speaking.
29. Bread with seeds in it.
30. Obscure references that only Walther Ghil would get.
31. Being reminded to bubble inside the circles on a scantron.
32. Mars being ‘the closest it will be in for another thousand years’ every six months.
33. People who smile in the morning.
34. Parades on TV.
__. The number 35.
36. People who don’t understand how poker blinds work.
37. People who think it’s: ‘David SEE-DOO’.
38. Bus drivers that stop the bus to chat with other bus drivers in other buses.
39. Organ solos.

    29 Things I Do to Be Cool

1) I fold my TTC transfers in half so that I can casually flip them open when I show them.

2) Before I hand my laptop to someone I go to an impressive Wikipedia article and leave it open.

3) IAE (I acronymize everything).

4) I spray a bit of cologne on things that I’ve borrowed before I return them.

5) I say ‘2’ or ‘9’ instead of ‘season 2’ or ‘episode 9′.

6) I use really long passwords for Facebook that look cool to type (like: a s a d a f a g a h a j).

7) I write things that sound interesting to do on my hand and then cross them off.

8 ) When someone calls me I turn on music and then shut it off after I pick up the phone.

9) When I walk I imagine myself being filmed in slow motion with Here Comes the Boom playing.

10) I learned roman numerals because there is always a situation where people want to know what they mean but no one ever does.

11) I have top-5 lists ready for every topic.

12) When I talk to a stranger I imagine I’m being interviewed after a basketball game.

13) If someone asks a question that has a numerical answer I show it with my fingers instead of saying it.

14) I draw shapes with rulers and pretend it was free-hand.

15) If someone is watching me read on the bus, I look out the window every few minutes, then nod and return to reading.

16) I blink in time with music that’s playing.

17) I “drop my g’s”. (ballin’ instead of balling)

18) I learn the official names for things and write them in quotations.

19) I carry around balled up pieces of paper with rocks in the middle so I can casually toss them into faraway garbage bins.

20) I only make lists for notes ending in 9.

21) When I think of something clever to say I post it on the wall of one person from every group of friends that I have, so I can get the most laughs out of it without people knowing I’m reusing it.

22) I tap out ‘COOL’ in Morse code with my pens in class, so that people will unconsciously associate that with me.

23) I leave dumbbells out in my living room if I know people are coming over.

24) When I get up I try to do it as slowly as possible to emphasize my height, and go on my tippy-toes a little bit at the end.

25) I try not to say tippy-toes, or any words that end in an ‘ee’ sound out loud. I use words with strong endings like ‘ark’ or ‘ork’.

26) I ask questions I have really interesting answers to.

27) I give one fist pump per decade the other person has lived in a handshake.

28) I listen to rap.

29) I always walk against traffic, to give onlookers the impression that I’m moving very quickly.

    19 reasons I’m the greatest person ever, in every way.

1. I get books printed on contacts in a tiny, glow-in-the-dark font so I can study at night.

2. My birth took two weeks, making me an aquarius and a pisces. I have the strengths of both but none of the weaknesses.

3. I have never use verbs in the past tense because I live in the moment.

4. I I speak discovered in the two 27th sentences letter at of once, the so alphabet I allowing get me across to twice use the magic content words.

5. I’ve learned how to speak telepathically, but I still move my mouth to trick people.

6. I use 57.6 minute hours, giving me one extra hour per day.

7. I fit all of my blinking of the day into the the first hour (57.6 minutes) of that day, so that no one can sneak up on me.

8. Instead of walking, the Earth moves to accommodate me.

9. My esophagus can work in reverse, allowing me to breathe water and drink air. Because of this it’s impossible for me to die by drowning or dehydration. Or in any other way actually.

10. My Earth isn’t only divided into timelines from East to West, but also up and down (one minute per foot of altitude). This means I can travel through time by jumping up and down.

11. My heartbeat is a healthy sixty per minute; in other words one second passes for every beat of my heart. This means time will stop when I die… which isn’t possible.

12a. I don’t shave or get haircuts, I look at the hair and scare it back into my head.

12b. I don’t need sunglasses because light rays are intimidated by my stare.

13. daveisawesomeI daveisawesomeuse daveisawesomethe daveisawesometechnically daveisawesomecorrect daveisawesomeEnglish daveisawesomespellings daveisawesomeof daveisawesomewords: daveisawesomestarting daveisawesomeeach daveisawesomewith daveisawesomea daveisawesomesilent daveisawesome‘dave is awesome’.

14. I have callouses on my right palm from getting high fives after everything that I say. People eventually stopped because it hurt their hands; now it’s just implied.

15. I’m unbelievably modest.

16. I can make water out of thin air by making a fist, and squeezing that hydrogen and oxygen molecules together.

17. I can also turn water into air by punching it and breaking the molecules apart.

18. I’d rather not say anything than say some that isn’t profound. I’m never quiet.

19. I dont use punctuation because whatever I say is already punctuated by its brilliance

    9 Useful Life Lessons

1. If you are sitting in the fourth of the ‘reserved for old people’ bus seats (the one in each row nearest to the back of the bus) you’ll never have to give them up. The old people move so slowly that before they get to you, one of the people sitting in the first two will always get up. This also works for people with crutches. And if they do get all the way to you without someone else getting up, you’ll look like much less of a jerk that the people nearer to the front, who are also closer to the bus driver. Also, bus drivers are jerks until you’re old enough to grow a beard.

1a. Know when to pass up on obvious jokes.
1b. So they’ve been nice to me since I was twelve!

2. Find one online game and become amazing at it. Then whenever someone beats you at something say you ‘just found this cool game online’.

3. Learn how to play pool. Everyone always wants to play, and it’s about as fun as playing with marbles if you’re not good at it.

4. Your grades up until grade eleven don’t matter. I wish I’d known this sooner. They always made it seem that when you moved up a year that now shit got serious! ‘You’d better not fuck up colouring or you’ll be going to York a bad university!’ It would’ve been nice to know that even in junior high and high school nothing really mattered. I guess it mattered to the extent that having a good idea of how to study is helpful, and having a reputation as a good student probably does benefit you in the long run. But I wish I hadn’t stressed over all of those shitty math marks over the years.

7. Everyone loves gum. It’s amazing how people flock around the sound of a piece of gum getting pushed out of a pack like seagulls around bread crumbs. Have a pack of gum and you’ll always be everyone’s best friend. But you’ll need a new pack everyday because everyone will want some. People act like those five minutes of flavour will change their lives. It’s also worthwhile to master the art of silently pushing a piece out (first cutting the aluminum with your nail and then popping it out quietly) if you don’t want to share.

6. When you don’t want to talk to someone in the elevator, furrow your brow and check your wallet for something. Make it look like a really taxing task that requires you to look through a lot of different slots and cards and so on.

7. An iPod out of batteries is worse than death, make sure it never happens.

8. There’s always a way to sound like you know what you’re talking about.

-You can say ‘sort of’, and add ‘-ish’ to words when you’re talking about something and get away with a lot. If someone asks you where a country you’ve never heard of is, say ‘it’s near-ish to the equator’.

-You can always say ‘I preferred their earlier stuff’ when someone asks you about an album you’ve never heard of.

-You can always say either ‘the plot wasn’t that great but the effects were amazing!’ or ‘the effects were pretty bad but the plot was amazing’! about pretty much any movie you’ve never heard of. Use the title to judge which of the two to go with.

-You can always say ‘well really, everything is relative’ in any debate you don’t get.

9. Don’t waste cool T-Shirts on days when you’re wearing a sweat shirt.


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