Different

120 Sentences (19-22)

1  I love coming up with brand new cliches and non contradictory oxymorons.

2  I’m a chain-gumchewer; I go through like two packs a day.

3 I’ve always (since this afternoon) wanted to leave a piece of string in my ear for a year, let a nice ball of wax form on it, then pull it out and keep it.

4  I think that th lttr ‘e‘ has bcom trit from ovrus, so I try not to ovrdo it.

5  I never do my share of the pushing when I’m in a revolving door with other people.

6  I hate it when I miss my gum with my teeth and strangers think I’m biting at them.

7  I think LFO wrote this the same way I wrote this.

8  I hate it when people tell you how many words they’re about to tell you.

9  I hate it when sentences of mine inadvertently rhyme.

10  As he walked along the garden path sentence continued to confuse him.

11  I don’t like words that can’t be pronounced when you emphasize them by repeating a letter – like bet (bbbbbbet/beeeeeet/betttttt).

12  It’s time bands realize that iPods have made hidden tracks a lot less hidden.

13 I think it’s cute when (old) people ding to ‘request’ a stop at a subway station.

14  The most disappointing thing in the world is when a Facebook notification turns out to only be someone else liking a status that you liked.

15  It’s funny when people lean forward in their chair to let someone pass instead of actually moving it.

16  A subject without a predicate.

16  I’ve seen way too many videos of Harry and Ron getting it on (see #9) while looking for clips of Slash on YouTube.

17  .the things I do seem ssa a lot of the timE

18  I wish ‘high going mono’ was a more useful sentence so I could type it using T9.

19  I’ve realized that grilled cheese sandwiches are just sandwiches without toppings.

20  It’s funny how rarely “not to be racist” isn’t followed up by something that is racist.

21  I like phrases like “you are not” that allow for personal expression in choice of conjugation: either you aren’t or you’re not.

22  Warning: This might ruin rap for you.  Highlight inside of the asterisks if you want to go on anyway.  *Listen to this song and try NOT to notice how obvious the sound of Kanye breathing is.*

to be continued…

Comments are very much appreciated!
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Six (Bad) Optical Illusions

1.  Lets start off with a classic. Is the green line longer in figure A or in figure B?

2.  This one technically isn’t an optical illusion, it’s similar to the test used to check for red/green colour blindness. Can you see the number ‘3’ in the image below? If not you may be black/jet-black colour blind.

3. The image below appears to be made up of randomly placed lines and curves. However if you stare at the white dot for thirty minutes and then look at a blank surface, a word will emerge.

4. This is my take on the famous old/young woman illusion. In that illusion the image can either be seen as a young woman or an old woman. Though it isn’t obvious at first, the image below can also be seen in two different ways. Try for yourself! If you can’t, scroll down to see the explanation.

Explanation:
At first this appears to only be a sun. However it can also become a face if the sun spots are seen as a pair of eyes, a nose and a mouth. Once it’s explained it’s almost hard NOT to see them that way!

5. Again, this one isn’t quite an optical illusion, but it’s such a cool effect that I had to include it! Certain colours facilitate to linguistic processing while others inhibit it.  One example of a facilitative colour is green; an example of an inhibitory colour is red. Said another way: green words are easier to read than red words.  See for yourself in the following example!

6. We’ll also end off with a classic. I’m sure you’ve seen this clip of the spinning girl on the internet before. The cool thing is that you can see her rotating both ways. If you stare long enough she will appear to switch directions again and again.

Number 9

Some lists from a while ago!

    39 Things I Could Do Without

1. People who ‘do lunch’.
2. People who ‘pencil you in’ for things.
3. People who ‘pencil you in’ to ‘do lunch’.
4. People who make very obvious jokes.
5. People who point out that they make obvious jokes.
6. Anyone that says “___ for the win”.
7. Raps that start with “my name is __ and I’m here to say”.
8. People who reuse Facebook statuses later on hoping they get more laughs the second time.
9. ANYONE that says “fail”, “epic fail”, or any of that internet shit out loud.
10. People who put a ‘1’ in the middle of a bunch of exclamation marks.
11. People that ask “what’s up” and expect an answer.
12. People that just say the beginning or end of words as though that makes them sound cool.
13. Insults that rhyme.
14. People who repeat themselves.
15. People that ask if you know what they mean, after every fucking sentence.
16. Cynics.
17. People who repeat themselves.
18. You thought I’d do that right away didn’t you?
19. Well I didn’t.
20. And now i don’t know what’s happening.
21. This doesn’t make sense.
17. People who don’t back track when they get sidetracked.
18. Run on sentences.
19. Sentence fragments are another thing that really bother me, because they just sound so out of place and they don’t look nice, we shouldn’t write like we speak I think.
20. Every fast food commercial that ends with an awkward moment (all of them).
21. People who write lists that no one really cares about.
22. Weather in Fahrenheit.
23. Small talk about the weather in elevators.
24. People that think Two and a Half Men are a good show.
25. Word auto-correcting my grammar.
26. Another Seth McFarlane show.
27. People that jokingly ask ‘huh huh, my left or your left?’
28. People that do not use contractions while speaking.
29. Bread with seeds in it.
30. Obscure references that only Walther Ghil would get.
31. Being reminded to bubble inside the circles on a scantron.
32. Mars being ‘the closest it will be in for another thousand years’ every six months.
33. People who smile in the morning.
34. Parades on TV.
__. The number 35.
36. People who don’t understand how poker blinds work.
37. People who think it’s: ‘David SEE-DOO’.
38. Bus drivers that stop the bus to chat with other bus drivers in other buses.
39. Organ solos.

    29 Things I Do to Be Cool

1) I fold my TTC transfers in half so that I can casually flip them open when I show them.

2) Before I hand my laptop to someone I go to an impressive Wikipedia article and leave it open.

3) IAE (I acronymize everything).

4) I spray a bit of cologne on things that I’ve borrowed before I return them.

5) I say ‘2’ or ‘9’ instead of ‘season 2’ or ‘episode 9′.

6) I use really long passwords for Facebook that look cool to type (like: a s a d a f a g a h a j).

7) I write things that sound interesting to do on my hand and then cross them off.

8 ) When someone calls me I turn on music and then shut it off after I pick up the phone.

9) When I walk I imagine myself being filmed in slow motion with Here Comes the Boom playing.

10) I learned roman numerals because there is always a situation where people want to know what they mean but no one ever does.

11) I have top-5 lists ready for every topic.

12) When I talk to a stranger I imagine I’m being interviewed after a basketball game.

13) If someone asks a question that has a numerical answer I show it with my fingers instead of saying it.

14) I draw shapes with rulers and pretend it was free-hand.

15) If someone is watching me read on the bus, I look out the window every few minutes, then nod and return to reading.

16) I blink in time with music that’s playing.

17) I “drop my g’s”. (ballin’ instead of balling)

18) I learn the official names for things and write them in quotations.

19) I carry around balled up pieces of paper with rocks in the middle so I can casually toss them into faraway garbage bins.

20) I only make lists for notes ending in 9.

21) When I think of something clever to say I post it on the wall of one person from every group of friends that I have, so I can get the most laughs out of it without people knowing I’m reusing it.

22) I tap out ‘COOL’ in Morse code with my pens in class, so that people will unconsciously associate that with me.

23) I leave dumbbells out in my living room if I know people are coming over.

24) When I get up I try to do it as slowly as possible to emphasize my height, and go on my tippy-toes a little bit at the end.

25) I try not to say tippy-toes, or any words that end in an ‘ee’ sound out loud. I use words with strong endings like ‘ark’ or ‘ork’.

26) I ask questions I have really interesting answers to.

27) I give one fist pump per decade the other person has lived in a handshake.

28) I listen to rap.

29) I always walk against traffic, to give onlookers the impression that I’m moving very quickly.

    19 reasons I’m the greatest person ever, in every way.

1. I get books printed on contacts in a tiny, glow-in-the-dark font so I can study at night.

2. My birth took two weeks, making me an aquarius and a pisces. I have the strengths of both but none of the weaknesses.

3. I have never use verbs in the past tense because I live in the moment.

4. I I speak discovered in the two 27th sentences letter at of once, the so alphabet I allowing get me across to twice use the magic content words.

5. I’ve learned how to speak telepathically, but I still move my mouth to trick people.

6. I use 57.6 minute hours, giving me one extra hour per day.

7. I fit all of my blinking of the day into the the first hour (57.6 minutes) of that day, so that no one can sneak up on me.

8. Instead of walking, the Earth moves to accommodate me.

9. My esophagus can work in reverse, allowing me to breathe water and drink air. Because of this it’s impossible for me to die by drowning or dehydration. Or in any other way actually.

10. My Earth isn’t only divided into timelines from East to West, but also up and down (one minute per foot of altitude). This means I can travel through time by jumping up and down.

11. My heartbeat is a healthy sixty per minute; in other words one second passes for every beat of my heart. This means time will stop when I die… which isn’t possible.

12a. I don’t shave or get haircuts, I look at the hair and scare it back into my head.

12b. I don’t need sunglasses because light rays are intimidated by my stare.

13. daveisawesomeI daveisawesomeuse daveisawesomethe daveisawesometechnically daveisawesomecorrect daveisawesomeEnglish daveisawesomespellings daveisawesomeof daveisawesomewords: daveisawesomestarting daveisawesomeeach daveisawesomewith daveisawesomea daveisawesomesilent daveisawesome‘dave is awesome’.

14. I have callouses on my right palm from getting high fives after everything that I say. People eventually stopped because it hurt their hands; now it’s just implied.

15. I’m unbelievably modest.

16. I can make water out of thin air by making a fist, and squeezing that hydrogen and oxygen molecules together.

17. I can also turn water into air by punching it and breaking the molecules apart.

18. I’d rather not say anything than say some that isn’t profound. I’m never quiet.

19. I dont use punctuation because whatever I say is already punctuated by its brilliance

    9 Useful Life Lessons

1. If you are sitting in the fourth of the ‘reserved for old people’ bus seats (the one in each row nearest to the back of the bus) you’ll never have to give them up. The old people move so slowly that before they get to you, one of the people sitting in the first two will always get up. This also works for people with crutches. And if they do get all the way to you without someone else getting up, you’ll look like much less of a jerk that the people nearer to the front, who are also closer to the bus driver. Also, bus drivers are jerks until you’re old enough to grow a beard.

1a. Know when to pass up on obvious jokes.
1b. So they’ve been nice to me since I was twelve!

2. Find one online game and become amazing at it. Then whenever someone beats you at something say you ‘just found this cool game online’.

3. Learn how to play pool. Everyone always wants to play, and it’s about as fun as playing with marbles if you’re not good at it.

4. Your grades up until grade eleven don’t matter. I wish I’d known this sooner. They always made it seem that when you moved up a year that now shit got serious! ‘You’d better not fuck up colouring or you’ll be going to York a bad university!’ It would’ve been nice to know that even in junior high and high school nothing really mattered. I guess it mattered to the extent that having a good idea of how to study is helpful, and having a reputation as a good student probably does benefit you in the long run. But I wish I hadn’t stressed over all of those shitty math marks over the years.

7. Everyone loves gum. It’s amazing how people flock around the sound of a piece of gum getting pushed out of a pack like seagulls around bread crumbs. Have a pack of gum and you’ll always be everyone’s best friend. But you’ll need a new pack everyday because everyone will want some. People act like those five minutes of flavour will change their lives. It’s also worthwhile to master the art of silently pushing a piece out (first cutting the aluminum with your nail and then popping it out quietly) if you don’t want to share.

6. When you don’t want to talk to someone in the elevator, furrow your brow and check your wallet for something. Make it look like a really taxing task that requires you to look through a lot of different slots and cards and so on.

7. An iPod out of batteries is worse than death, make sure it never happens.

8. There’s always a way to sound like you know what you’re talking about.

-You can say ‘sort of’, and add ‘-ish’ to words when you’re talking about something and get away with a lot. If someone asks you where a country you’ve never heard of is, say ‘it’s near-ish to the equator’.

-You can always say ‘I preferred their earlier stuff’ when someone asks you about an album you’ve never heard of.

-You can always say either ‘the plot wasn’t that great but the effects were amazing!’ or ‘the effects were pretty bad but the plot was amazing’! about pretty much any movie you’ve never heard of. Use the title to judge which of the two to go with.

-You can always say ‘well really, everything is relative’ in any debate you don’t get.

9. Don’t waste cool T-Shirts on days when you’re wearing a sweat shirt.

What Your Flatulate Aggregate Says About You

Physiognomy is the practice of inferring personality characteristics from someone’s external appearance. For example, the criminologist Cesare Lombroso believed that criminals had certain physical characteristics that differentiated them from non-criminals. Phrenology and hand-writing analysis are two most familiar offshoots from this school of thought.  A lesser known, but far more respected and valid technique is to use someone’s FA (i.e. flatulate aggregate) to learn about their personality.

The technique of using flatulate as an indicator of personality characteristics dates back at least to Ancient Egypt. Priests at the time believed that it was actually part of a person’s soul trying to escape their body. Under that assumption it was logical to assume that studying it would reveal certain characteristics of that soul. (1) We once again see examples of this science in Greek civilization with the advent of Humorism. This philosophy held that a person’s disposition was caused by the balance of four homors in the body; a balance revealed in part by one’s flatulate. As with many things, this science went somewhat underground during the middle ages but was once again revived during the Renaissance and the Enlightenment. In the early 20th century Psychoanalysts believed flatulate to emanate from the unconscious, and to be an undistorted expression of the id. The last few decades have seen a resurgence of interest in the field. Scientists are begining to look the underlying mechanisms linking a persons flatulate with their personality.  So far this research has focused on things like eating habits and muscle tension.

Businesses are beginning to implement this technique in job interviews, and some dating websites are using it check for compatibility.  To see what your FA says about you, take the test below!

FA Test:

Select your “Aggregate Flatulate” from the five options below. This should be what your flatulate sounds like ‘on average’. (2)

FA Types

1. *frreeeeeeeeeaoooooooooooooooooooooaiii* (like a trumpet raising in pitch until it fades out)
2. *PROOP!* (a loud, resounding burst)
3. *fffffffff* (inaudible)
4. *fraaaach – plop* (a gurgling emission with a surprise ending)
5. *Prap Prap Prap* (short and controlled bursts)

FA Profiles

1. *frreeeeeeeeeaoooooooooooooooooooooaiii*

Your parents rarely displayed affection and therefore you think that to do so is embarrassing. You try to maintain a calm exterior and any displays of emotion are extremely restricted or suppressed.

2. *fffffffff*

You likely had extremely controlling parents, leading you to develop passive-aggressive tendencies. You have trouble expressing anger directly and hide it under a veneer of manufactured kindness and generosity.

3. *fraaaach – plop*

You tend to engage in dangerous, risk taking behaviour without considering the consequences. You likely abuse drugs or alcohol regularly while engaging in sexual promiscuity.

4. *Prap Prap Prap*

You have an obsessive need for order and neatness. It bothers you when you, or others around you aren’t perfect and you spend an excessive amount of time trying to be sure this doesn’t happen. You feel very anxious when you aren’t in control.

5. *PROOP!*

You probably had parents that withheld praise, never telling you that you did a ‘good job’. Because of this you have a need to be the center of attention, and to constantly outperform others around you.

Footnotes:

1 – In fact the Egyptian symbol for ‘flatulate’ was also used to represent ‘soul’.

2 – This is based on the Platonic approach taken in Classical Antiquity, where it was believed that everyone had an ideal flatulate form. Each specific instance of flatulate was an imperfect reflection of this ideal form.

Something I Found…

I just found a list of things that I wrote down after having done a good four hours of work on the computer a few days ago. I remember thinking that they were completely ingenious and hilarious, so it’ll be interesting to see if they actually were! Pretty often I’ll write something down thinking it’s the funniest thing since bouquets were called ‘nosegays’, and then look at in an hour later to see a stick figure with the words “pillow door” next to it, with ‘pillow’ underlined. Lets see how they hold up, without any embellishment or polishing.*

1. I hate when something smells and you can’t tell if it’s you or a dead animal.

2. Directors should be cool and release movies on VHS, in the same way that bands are releasing albums on vinyl.

3. It just says ‘fanny pack’; I can’t remember what the joke was but how could it have not been hilarious?

4. I wonder if Donner and Blitzen were angered when Rudolph just waltzed in and became head-reindeer. Did they ever try to bump him off? I can’t believe that the transition was seamless. The song would have us believe that ‘now all the reindeers loved him’, but is that really believable? Another layer emerges in this macabre affair when we ask how they dealt with night time deliveries before Rudolph? In fact we don’t know. No pictures or stories about the reindeers before his arrival exist; why is that? Is it possible that Rudolph was always part of the team, and the whole story was fabricated? If so for what reason? To cover up something darker than a reindeer being teased for his shiny nose? Something doesn’t quite make sense here.

5. You don’t wash your toilet so don’t piss on your hands.

6. I appreciate that unlike the other holidays, Christmas made the effort to find a synonym for ‘happy’.

7. Was there a ‘shape war’ similar to the format wars we see today, when paper was being introduced? How did the rectangle win, and how different would our world be if the circle or the triacontagon had won?

8. I wonder if kids today think that “a colon and a bracket are made up of the eyes and the mouth of a happy face” instead of “a happy face is made up of a colon and bracket”.

9. So cursive writing didn’t really catch on with our generation eh?

10. I realize that it isn’t that I “wasn’t a coffee drinker” it’s just “wasn’t someone that woke up before noon”.

* Except number four and the word ‘triacontagon’.

18 Ways to Make the World a Better Place

01. Replace the ‘no thanks’ button on popup ads with ‘fuck off’.

02. Come up with a unit of measurement for laughter and call it ‘Daves’.

03. Let people choose any letter from their names to be their initials, not necessarily only the first ones.

04. Make every verbal exchange in list-form.

05. Stop calling it ‘body hair’. Isn’t your head part of your body?

06. Fix my fucking laptop screen so I don’t have to have everything crammed into half of it.

07. ___ ___ ___ ___

08. Stop the mistreatment of pet rocks.

09. Replace words with onomatopoeia. A phone call should be called “beep beep beep beep beep beep beep”, with an extra ‘beep’ if it’s a long distance call. MTV should be called the sound you make when you vomit.

10. Measure a person’s height in their own foot length.

11. Come up with more relevant people to name our days after.

12. Stop singing the Jeopardy theme while someone is thinking.

13. Invent bathroom doorknobs that only open if a person’s hand is wet.

14. Invent bathroom doorknobs that only open if a person’s hand is wet WITH WATER!

15. Be thankful everyday of your life that you don’t have to draw cover-pages for projects anymore.

16. Say “make palaver” instead of “have a conversation.

17. Carry around post-it notes that say ‘Like’.

18. Stop discriminating between vowels and non-vowels. They’re all letters after all abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

19. Come up with the title for lists before you write them and not the other way around.

20. Change the name of the planet to the more accurate “Water”.

Good Inventions (Part 1)

The word inventions comes from the words invent and ions. ‘Invent’ means to create or design; and ‘ions’ means an atom or molecule with a net electric charge due to the loss or gain of one or more electrons. In other words inventors create electrically charged, or ‘exciting’, new things.

The following are some of my latest inventions. Most of them just came to me out of the blue, or in other words ‘out of the blueprint’, which I’ve included for each.

The Ankle Sock

Lets face it, nobody likes to wear socks. What’s the first thing people do when they get home? Take their socks off and put them aside so that they can wear them again tomorrow. The only reason we have to wear socks is because we don’t feel like shaving out ankles everyday (other people do that right?). Voila – the ankle sock. A regular sock with the part covering your foot removed, just leaving the bit that goes around your ankles. Now you can go around sock-less all day and no one will know the difference!

(I’m working on something similar for sandals. A piece of fabric that looks, feels and is shaped like a sock but is actually called a ‘germouth’. It lets you go sock-less even in sandals and no one will know the difference!)

Disposable Bedsheets


(Note the two arrows in the diagram. Whenever you have two arrows you know that you are recycling.)

A tip for want-to-be-inventors is to think about something you hate doing in your daily lives and then come up with an invention that will make it easier. I hate making my bed. A normal person might think “there’s no other option, I guess I’ll make my bed”. Not me though, I look at my unmade bed in the morning and think “disposable bedsheets”. With them you can have a good night’s sleep and then instead of having to make your bed in the morning just throw the sheets away! I know what you’re thinking: this is terrible for the environment! That’s why I propose that these bedsheets be made of recycled garbage from landfills. How’s that for living green?


Universal Key

It’s very annoying to have to carry around keys for everything. your front door, your car, your diary etc. We have universal remotes, why not a universal key? It would work the same way as remotes. You’d put it into a keyhole and it would read the shape needed to open it and create it. Then you’d label that ‘home’ for example and could summon it (reference for the really cool people reading???) anytime you needed. Everyone would have one. I know what you’ve thinking: it would be unsafe! What if you lost your universal key and someone picked it up and had all of your presets. Well you would be able to deactivate remotely it the same way you deactivate a cell phone.

Numbered 4, 34, 51, 23, 6, 33, 245, 0 Cover


(Note the single arrow, indicating that this unfortunately isn’t made of recycled products.)

How offen are you tiping along only to fynd out that you don’t know how to spell a word. Well it never happens to me, but I’m sure it’s a common problem. If only there were some sort of database to help you. That got me brainstorming; I played around with a few ideas. Reducing the number of words in the English language+ (there isn’t any punctuation for when you extend the last two syllables of a word like this, so I’m coining the the ‘+’ as the appropriate puncuation in that case), some kind of telepathic device+ and so on. But like Occam said in that Gillette commercial: the right solution is usually the simplest one. This was also a computer problem so it required a solution specific to that medium. Then it hit me. A numbered keyboard cover that replaces each letter with a number, and an accompanying book that gives you the numerical code for any word you want to spell! That book will contain every word every invented along with the accompanying number code required to type it in (called a direct in consulation topographic interface on new alphabetic required yoking).

Future Projects

-portable doorbells
-page a minute calendars
-pencil with an eraser tip and eraser made of graphite, for writing on graphite paper
-finding more places in clothing to put pockets

Etymologies: “Be there or be square”

be there or be square: if you are not present at said event, you are not part of the ‘in crowd’

Origin:

The term originates in 18th century England, during the industrial revolution. It relates to a law (1) passed in 1782 stating that “when the head of the man turns square, no further work shall they dare”. The figurate language of the law referred to the fact that if a worker became disoriented or mentally incapacitated from over work, they would be given the rest of the day off, along with pay. Workers soon found a loophole in the law, and began wearing boxes on their heads when going to work (2). Judges at the time ruled that according to the letter of the law, these workers had to be given the prescribed amount of time off. Soon knowledge of this tactic became widespread and people knew they had two options when it came to work: to be there or to be square. The current meaning came about when factory owners began a slew of propaganda, giving ‘being square’ a negative connotation. However this didn’t have the effect they’d hoped and eventually the law had to be reworded in order to avoid the loophole (3).

Footnotes:

1 – The “Inverse Square Law”.

2 – In fact the term loophole originates from the holes these men would carve into the boxes in order to see, literally ‘keeping them in the loop’.

3 – Ironically leading to many box making factory owners losing their jobs.