Category Archives: Jibber Jabber
Besides teaching us many lessons (such as: eat any strange mushrooms you come across, turtles aren’t to be trusted, funny how it seems natural to give three examples!) the Super Mario games also gave us two stereotypical characters who used their plumbing wits to fight through all sorts of challenges life threw at them. These two characters can be served up as examples of the ‘two types of cool’, a label that certainly wouldn’t be considered any kind of cool.
Mario – The Mainstream Type of Cool
Mario is the boss, he runs shit; he would get first pick of which toilet to clean. Actually I don’t know about that; but Mario is the main character, the one who comes to mind when you think about these games. That is what makes him cool, he’s the guy, good at what he does (although jumping on turtles doesn’t seem that hard), and is well known for it. It’s his handsome, chubby, ‘stached face on the cover of the game.
Real life examples of this type of cool would be star athletes like Lebron James who take on a larger than life persona, the strong willed leaders like Barack Obama, the movie stars who are best at what they do and look amazing doing it, while embracing the Hollywood life, and so on.
Luigi – The Underground Type of Cool
Luigi is cool because he’s not Mario, he’s the uncommon – off the beaten path – character. I imagine Luigi would be a bit odd, living in a Mario’s shadow all of these years would have seen to that. (They say that when groupies go backstage the bassists and drummers get second pick, I can imagine Luigi might have had to put up with that as well.) What makes picking Luigi in a game of Super Mario cool is that you’re going away from the norm, going with the lesser known character who can also stomp on turtles.
Real life examples of the Luigi type of cool would be the lesser known actor who takes roles playing unusual characters, the quiet musician that doesn’t want fame but contributes immense amounts of creativity to a band, like Izzy Stradlin; the eccentric yet wildly genius professor who wears different coloured socks, and so on.
Mario is the Jay Leno, Paul McCartney and Superman to Luigi’s Conan O’Brian, George Harrison and Batman. It’s doing a well known thing better than anyone else versus doing your own thing and not having any peers to compare yourself to. It’s a brand new Armani suit versus ripped jeans and a plaid shirt. Neither one is better, they’re just different, two sides of a coin, mutually exclusive; you can’t be both.
I exemplify both types of cool. What about you?
By the by (Now what does THAT mean? I should write something about that.) I realized about half-way through that I didn’t exactly know what I was trying to say. But hopefully I tricked you into getting what I meant to mean.
Often times while I’m talking to my friends, someone who’s been eavesdropping will interrupt and say- wide-eyed – “wow, you sound so fucking cool!” If I’m in a good mood I’ll let them record me saying something for them to use as a voicemail greeting, if not I’ll just sign something and send them on their way. Even automated menus I’m forced to converse with on the telephone are so impressed that they end up giving me their number. I’d love to say that all of this talent is inborn (part of it is, even my DNA strands are organized into cool sentences consisting of only A’s, C’s, T’s and G’s), but a lot of it is technique; technique that I’m about to teach to you.
There are a few rules to follow, that make you sound really cool, no matter what you are saying. But like anything, these rules require plenty of practice to implement effectively. I practice everywhere: I read the ingredients of the shampoo in cool ways while I shower, I pause movies after every line and reword them into cooler phrases, I study the dialogue in the Star Wars prequels etc. But it all starts with these rules:
1) Whenever you are responding to a question with a number and then a unit, just say the number.
A: How long will you be?
2) Whenever you are referring to a movie in a series, refer to it simply by number, without saying the movie title.
A: I love that scene in ‘two’ where they have to jump off the toilet before the bomb goes off.
3a) When you’re talking about a type of thing, refer to it by the name of two people who were known for it; adding ‘o’ to the end of the first one so you can change the pronunciation.
A: He’s getting good at that Jordano-McGrady fade-away jumpshot. (Note that Jordano would be pronounced Jor-danne-oh).
A: That song has a real Lennono-McCartney feel to it. (Note that Lennono would be pronounced Len-anne-oh).
3b) A similar tactic is describe a type of thing by using just one name and adding ‘ian’ to the end of it.
A: He’s really mastered the Spearsian dance style.
A: He’s got an O’Brianian hair-do going there.
4) Refer to celebrities by either their first or last names, never both.
A: Who do you think was the best Bond?
B: Definitely George.
A: You’ve gotta love Sting’s voice.
5a) Scott and Borgman have already touched on this but it’s worth mentioning again. Turn nouns into verbs.
A: I totally verbed that verb! (Straight out of Zits)
5b) A related strategy is to use any adjective as a synonym for ‘good’.
A: Man, Lebron is having a great year, he’s so inferior!
A: Mannn that movie had great action scenes, what’d you think?
B: I agree man! They were totally democratic!
6) Instead of saying a whole word, just say one syllable; usually the first or last works the best.
A: I’ve been workin’ on my bi’s, tri’s and quad’s at the ‘nasium, can you tell?
A: I got a pet shit’ for Christmas!
7) When talking about acronyms, instead of pronouncing each letter one at a time, say it as if it were a word.
A: Any good enbah (NBA) games on tonight?
A: Damn I forgot my pee-ine (PIN) number!
Follow these aquatic Davidian rules and you won’t be able to go twelve without having someone comp’ you on your ‘ressive speech!
It’s nice to know a little bit about the people who’s words you read, so this is a little bit about me. This is my dull life thus far.
I was born, like most people are, while my mom was suspended upside down from the top of the Ice Caves near Niagara Falls. This meant I had to climb up to enter the world, which gave me the superior upper body strength I now possess. Also, being born into such a cold environment made my penis immune to “shrinkage”. Unfortunately labour lasted for a full two weeks, but this meant that I am both an Aquarius and a Pisces, possessing the strengths of each but neither of their weaknesses.
Sadly the first few weeks of my life were somewhat wasted, without any real strength building or cardiovascular exercise. I actually spent my first few months underwater, geting used to it so I could eventually retire down there. At first, drowning was uncomfortable, but soon I learned the secret to breathing underwater (it’s all in the timing).
When I was five I began my two year extreme physical training regimen, reaching peak physical condition at the age of seven; it’s been downhill since then. I would wake up and eat a whole chicken (with the feathers, to make me lighter), followed by a glass of water. It was no ordinary water, it that had had diamonds (the hardest substance on Earth, besides my biceps) soaking in it over night, making it stronger. I did many different types of exercises: I played catch with myself, throwing the ball as far forward as I could and then running to catch it. I would jog for miles while crushing fistfuls of air; I would crush walnuts with my eyelids and then eat them for protein. I would play pogs, that was more of a leisure activity.
After those two years I began to develop my mind; I removed half of my stomach to add more brain. I read all of the important works by the most important authors. Works on the geocentric universe, the phlogiston theory, coronium, humorism etc. My thirst for knowledge was unquenchable. I used to get contacts with entire books printed on them in tiny glow in the dark letters so I could read them as I slept. I wrote out every possible 2 to 10 character combination of letters and memorized them. I invented meanings for ones that weren’t already words. By the age of twelve I knew everything that had ever been written about, including things that no one had ever known.
For a few years after that I relaxed, most of my friends were going through puberty, but being slightly advanced I had already conquered that foe at the age of seven. Even so, I didn’t need to shave, I just scared my beard back into my chin every morning.
My father is one of the 213 people on Earth who know about the 27th letter of the alphabet, and at age 14 he let me in on the secret. There are so many important and powerful words that included it which I could now use. I would love you tell you some of them but this keyboard only has the standard 26.
One of these secret words is the password that lets you travel through time. When I was 15 I went back and visited my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great : ) great great great great great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great greatgreat great great great great great great great grandfather, a brontosaurus. A nice guy, not very talkative.
Unfortunately at the age of 17 my vocal cords were badly injured when I was chosen to sing the national anthem at every major sporting event of that year. Luckily my mom was able to teach me how to communicate telepathically, I still move my mouth as if I were talking; people seem to be fooled.
Last year, at 19 I went back in time once again to the year 9 AD, I’d heard there was going to be a huge party to usher in the first two-digit year. I had a bit too much grapa, and things got a little bit crazy, and when I got back I realized that I’m the great great great grandfather to half of the world. But not to either of my parents, that would be weird.
That’s is sort of it, what else is there to say… I tell time without resetting it every 24 hours, it’s now 17598840:41 PM. Yikes, it’s getting late! I can trick gravity if I say I’m going to be one place and then go somewhere else. Oh and I can pee standing up!
Thanks for reading!
Beginnings are always tricky. I have to somehow get you to give a shit about what I’m going to write in the future without actually having any content to grab your attention in this introduction itself. Maybe I’ll borrow content from someone from a long time ago:
“Behold! human beings living in a underground den, which has a mouth open towards the light and reaching all along the den; here they have been from their childhood, and have their legs and necks chained so that they cannot move, and can only see before them, being prevented by the chains from turning round their heads. Above and behind them a fire is blazing at a distance, and between the fire and the prisoners there is a raised way; and you will see, if you look, a low wall built along the way, like the screen which marionette players have in front of them, over which they show the puppets…To them, I said, the truth would be literally nothing but the shadows of the images.”
-Plato’s Republic, Book VII
Maybe that isn’t your cup of tea, hmm what about this then:
“Britney Spears’ former assistant Shannon Funk has been subpoenaed in the custody battle with Brit’s ex-husband, Kevin Federline. Funk was served late Tuesday night at the Long Beach, Calif., airport. Earlier this week Alli Sims, 26, Britney’s close friend and assistant was served, as was the singer’s bodyguard, Daimon Shippen.”
But I’m not going to be copying and pasting (from such philosophical texts as Plato’s Republic, or The National Enquirer), in my Blog entries. I’ve always felt like I have worthwhile ideas from time to time, but I don’t do anything with them, so like a fart in a wide open field, they eventually vanish. Some days, like after a full Indian meal, I might have more “ideas”, but again they go away before long, leaving no mark. (For the most part anyway. Everyone’s had a couple of “ideas” that were pretty shitty and did leave a mark.) Anyway. Via this blog I hope to bring my ideas into the material world, for my own sake, and with the hope that there will be people out there who will enjoy them.
Donatello had a vision of the perfect human form and sculpted David out of clay.
Karl Marx had revolutionary ideas on the current social structure and transcribed them on paper, influencing countless minds.
Bach heard the sound of the Brandenburg Concerto in his mind, and reproduced it with an orchestra for others to be moved by.
I…sometimes get farcical ideas and am going to reproduce them on wordpress.com… Well that being said I’ll bring an end to this introduction. It doesn’t really matter anyway because people will only read it if they come to like what I produce in the future, and find this introduction while looking through my other entries. In that case they will already like my work, so this introduction is worth less than a…well thought out analogy in an unimportant introduction.
So here’s to hoping that what I will write in the future is good enough to lead you back here.