120 Sentences (19-22)

1  I love coming up with brand new cliches and non contradictory oxymorons.

2  I’m a chain-gumchewer; I go through like two packs a day.

3 I’ve always (since this afternoon) wanted to leave a piece of string in my ear for a year, let a nice ball of wax form on it, then pull it out and keep it.

4  I think that th lttr ‘e‘ has bcom trit from ovrus, so I try not to ovrdo it.

5  I never do my share of the pushing when I’m in a revolving door with other people.

6  I hate it when I miss my gum with my teeth and strangers think I’m biting at them.

7  I think LFO wrote this the same way I wrote this.

8  I hate it when people tell you how many words they’re about to tell you.

9  I hate it when sentences of mine inadvertently rhyme.

10  As he walked along the garden path sentence continued to confuse him.

11  I don’t like words that can’t be pronounced when you emphasize them by repeating a letter – like bet (bbbbbbet/beeeeeet/betttttt).

12  It’s time bands realize that iPods have made hidden tracks a lot less hidden.

13 I think it’s cute when (old) people ding to ‘request’ a stop at a subway station.

14  The most disappointing thing in the world is when a Facebook notification turns out to only be someone else liking a status that you liked.

15  It’s funny when people lean forward in their chair to let someone pass instead of actually moving it.

16  A subject without a predicate.

16  I’ve seen way too many videos of Harry and Ron getting it on (see #9) while looking for clips of Slash on YouTube.

17  .the things I do seem ssa a lot of the timE

18  I wish ‘high going mono’ was a more useful sentence so I could type it using T9.

19  I’ve realized that grilled cheese sandwiches are just sandwiches without toppings.

20  It’s funny how rarely “not to be racist” isn’t followed up by something that is racist.

21  I like phrases like “you are not” that allow for personal expression in choice of conjugation: either you aren’t or you’re not.

22  Warning: This might ruin rap for you.  Highlight inside of the asterisks if you want to go on anyway.  *Listen to this song and try NOT to notice how obvious the sound of Kanye breathing is.*

to be continued…

Comments are very much appreciated!

Number 9

Some lists from a while ago!

    39 Things I Could Do Without

1. People who ‘do lunch’.
2. People who ‘pencil you in’ for things.
3. People who ‘pencil you in’ to ‘do lunch’.
4. People who make very obvious jokes.
5. People who point out that they make obvious jokes.
6. Anyone that says “___ for the win”.
7. Raps that start with “my name is __ and I’m here to say”.
8. People who reuse Facebook statuses later on hoping they get more laughs the second time.
9. ANYONE that says “fail”, “epic fail”, or any of that internet shit out loud.
10. People who put a ‘1’ in the middle of a bunch of exclamation marks.
11. People that ask “what’s up” and expect an answer.
12. People that just say the beginning or end of words as though that makes them sound cool.
13. Insults that rhyme.
14. People who repeat themselves.
15. People that ask if you know what they mean, after every fucking sentence.
16. Cynics.
17. People who repeat themselves.
18. You thought I’d do that right away didn’t you?
19. Well I didn’t.
20. And now i don’t know what’s happening.
21. This doesn’t make sense.
17. People who don’t back track when they get sidetracked.
18. Run on sentences.
19. Sentence fragments are another thing that really bother me, because they just sound so out of place and they don’t look nice, we shouldn’t write like we speak I think.
20. Every fast food commercial that ends with an awkward moment (all of them).
21. People who write lists that no one really cares about.
22. Weather in Fahrenheit.
23. Small talk about the weather in elevators.
24. People that think Two and a Half Men are a good show.
25. Word auto-correcting my grammar.
26. Another Seth McFarlane show.
27. People that jokingly ask ‘huh huh, my left or your left?’
28. People that do not use contractions while speaking.
29. Bread with seeds in it.
30. Obscure references that only Walther Ghil would get.
31. Being reminded to bubble inside the circles on a scantron.
32. Mars being ‘the closest it will be in for another thousand years’ every six months.
33. People who smile in the morning.
34. Parades on TV.
__. The number 35.
36. People who don’t understand how poker blinds work.
37. People who think it’s: ‘David SEE-DOO’.
38. Bus drivers that stop the bus to chat with other bus drivers in other buses.
39. Organ solos.

    29 Things I Do to Be Cool

1) I fold my TTC transfers in half so that I can casually flip them open when I show them.

2) Before I hand my laptop to someone I go to an impressive Wikipedia article and leave it open.

3) IAE (I acronymize everything).

4) I spray a bit of cologne on things that I’ve borrowed before I return them.

5) I say ‘2’ or ‘9’ instead of ‘season 2’ or ‘episode 9′.

6) I use really long passwords for Facebook that look cool to type (like: a s a d a f a g a h a j).

7) I write things that sound interesting to do on my hand and then cross them off.

8 ) When someone calls me I turn on music and then shut it off after I pick up the phone.

9) When I walk I imagine myself being filmed in slow motion with Here Comes the Boom playing.

10) I learned roman numerals because there is always a situation where people want to know what they mean but no one ever does.

11) I have top-5 lists ready for every topic.

12) When I talk to a stranger I imagine I’m being interviewed after a basketball game.

13) If someone asks a question that has a numerical answer I show it with my fingers instead of saying it.

14) I draw shapes with rulers and pretend it was free-hand.

15) If someone is watching me read on the bus, I look out the window every few minutes, then nod and return to reading.

16) I blink in time with music that’s playing.

17) I “drop my g’s”. (ballin’ instead of balling)

18) I learn the official names for things and write them in quotations.

19) I carry around balled up pieces of paper with rocks in the middle so I can casually toss them into faraway garbage bins.

20) I only make lists for notes ending in 9.

21) When I think of something clever to say I post it on the wall of one person from every group of friends that I have, so I can get the most laughs out of it without people knowing I’m reusing it.

22) I tap out ‘COOL’ in Morse code with my pens in class, so that people will unconsciously associate that with me.

23) I leave dumbbells out in my living room if I know people are coming over.

24) When I get up I try to do it as slowly as possible to emphasize my height, and go on my tippy-toes a little bit at the end.

25) I try not to say tippy-toes, or any words that end in an ‘ee’ sound out loud. I use words with strong endings like ‘ark’ or ‘ork’.

26) I ask questions I have really interesting answers to.

27) I give one fist pump per decade the other person has lived in a handshake.

28) I listen to rap.

29) I always walk against traffic, to give onlookers the impression that I’m moving very quickly.

    19 reasons I’m the greatest person ever, in every way.

1. I get books printed on contacts in a tiny, glow-in-the-dark font so I can study at night.

2. My birth took two weeks, making me an aquarius and a pisces. I have the strengths of both but none of the weaknesses.

3. I have never use verbs in the past tense because I live in the moment.

4. I I speak discovered in the two 27th sentences letter at of once, the so alphabet I allowing get me across to twice use the magic content words.

5. I’ve learned how to speak telepathically, but I still move my mouth to trick people.

6. I use 57.6 minute hours, giving me one extra hour per day.

7. I fit all of my blinking of the day into the the first hour (57.6 minutes) of that day, so that no one can sneak up on me.

8. Instead of walking, the Earth moves to accommodate me.

9. My esophagus can work in reverse, allowing me to breathe water and drink air. Because of this it’s impossible for me to die by drowning or dehydration. Or in any other way actually.

10. My Earth isn’t only divided into timelines from East to West, but also up and down (one minute per foot of altitude). This means I can travel through time by jumping up and down.

11. My heartbeat is a healthy sixty per minute; in other words one second passes for every beat of my heart. This means time will stop when I die… which isn’t possible.

12a. I don’t shave or get haircuts, I look at the hair and scare it back into my head.

12b. I don’t need sunglasses because light rays are intimidated by my stare.

13. daveisawesomeI daveisawesomeuse daveisawesomethe daveisawesometechnically daveisawesomecorrect daveisawesomeEnglish daveisawesomespellings daveisawesomeof daveisawesomewords: daveisawesomestarting daveisawesomeeach daveisawesomewith daveisawesomea daveisawesomesilent daveisawesome‘dave is awesome’.

14. I have callouses on my right palm from getting high fives after everything that I say. People eventually stopped because it hurt their hands; now it’s just implied.

15. I’m unbelievably modest.

16. I can make water out of thin air by making a fist, and squeezing that hydrogen and oxygen molecules together.

17. I can also turn water into air by punching it and breaking the molecules apart.

18. I’d rather not say anything than say some that isn’t profound. I’m never quiet.

19. I dont use punctuation because whatever I say is already punctuated by its brilliance

    9 Useful Life Lessons

1. If you are sitting in the fourth of the ‘reserved for old people’ bus seats (the one in each row nearest to the back of the bus) you’ll never have to give them up. The old people move so slowly that before they get to you, one of the people sitting in the first two will always get up. This also works for people with crutches. And if they do get all the way to you without someone else getting up, you’ll look like much less of a jerk that the people nearer to the front, who are also closer to the bus driver. Also, bus drivers are jerks until you’re old enough to grow a beard.

1a. Know when to pass up on obvious jokes.
1b. So they’ve been nice to me since I was twelve!

2. Find one online game and become amazing at it. Then whenever someone beats you at something say you ‘just found this cool game online’.

3. Learn how to play pool. Everyone always wants to play, and it’s about as fun as playing with marbles if you’re not good at it.

4. Your grades up until grade eleven don’t matter. I wish I’d known this sooner. They always made it seem that when you moved up a year that now shit got serious! ‘You’d better not fuck up colouring or you’ll be going to York a bad university!’ It would’ve been nice to know that even in junior high and high school nothing really mattered. I guess it mattered to the extent that having a good idea of how to study is helpful, and having a reputation as a good student probably does benefit you in the long run. But I wish I hadn’t stressed over all of those shitty math marks over the years.

7. Everyone loves gum. It’s amazing how people flock around the sound of a piece of gum getting pushed out of a pack like seagulls around bread crumbs. Have a pack of gum and you’ll always be everyone’s best friend. But you’ll need a new pack everyday because everyone will want some. People act like those five minutes of flavour will change their lives. It’s also worthwhile to master the art of silently pushing a piece out (first cutting the aluminum with your nail and then popping it out quietly) if you don’t want to share.

6. When you don’t want to talk to someone in the elevator, furrow your brow and check your wallet for something. Make it look like a really taxing task that requires you to look through a lot of different slots and cards and so on.

7. An iPod out of batteries is worse than death, make sure it never happens.

8. There’s always a way to sound like you know what you’re talking about.

-You can say ‘sort of’, and add ‘-ish’ to words when you’re talking about something and get away with a lot. If someone asks you where a country you’ve never heard of is, say ‘it’s near-ish to the equator’.

-You can always say ‘I preferred their earlier stuff’ when someone asks you about an album you’ve never heard of.

-You can always say either ‘the plot wasn’t that great but the effects were amazing!’ or ‘the effects were pretty bad but the plot was amazing’! about pretty much any movie you’ve never heard of. Use the title to judge which of the two to go with.

-You can always say ‘well really, everything is relative’ in any debate you don’t get.

9. Don’t waste cool T-Shirts on days when you’re wearing a sweat shirt.

Something I Found…

I just found a list of things that I wrote down after having done a good four hours of work on the computer a few days ago. I remember thinking that they were completely ingenious and hilarious, so it’ll be interesting to see if they actually were! Pretty often I’ll write something down thinking it’s the funniest thing since bouquets were called ‘nosegays’, and then look at in an hour later to see a stick figure with the words “pillow door” next to it, with ‘pillow’ underlined. Lets see how they hold up, without any embellishment or polishing.*

1. I hate when something smells and you can’t tell if it’s you or a dead animal.

2. Directors should be cool and release movies on VHS, in the same way that bands are releasing albums on vinyl.

3. It just says ‘fanny pack’; I can’t remember what the joke was but how could it have not been hilarious?

4. I wonder if Donner and Blitzen were angered when Rudolph just waltzed in and became head-reindeer. Did they ever try to bump him off? I can’t believe that the transition was seamless. The song would have us believe that ‘now all the reindeers loved him’, but is that really believable? Another layer emerges in this macabre affair when we ask how they dealt with night time deliveries before Rudolph? In fact we don’t know. No pictures or stories about the reindeers before his arrival exist; why is that? Is it possible that Rudolph was always part of the team, and the whole story was fabricated? If so for what reason? To cover up something darker than a reindeer being teased for his shiny nose? Something doesn’t quite make sense here.

5. You don’t wash your toilet so don’t piss on your hands.

6. I appreciate that unlike the other holidays, Christmas made the effort to find a synonym for ‘happy’.

7. Was there a ‘shape war’ similar to the format wars we see today, when paper was being introduced? How did the rectangle win, and how different would our world be if the circle or the triacontagon had won?

8. I wonder if kids today think that “a colon and a bracket are made up of the eyes and the mouth of a happy face” instead of “a happy face is made up of a colon and bracket”.

9. So cursive writing didn’t really catch on with our generation eh?

10. I realize that it isn’t that I “wasn’t a coffee drinker” it’s just “wasn’t someone that woke up before noon”.

* Except number four and the word ‘triacontagon’.

18 Ways to Make the World a Better Place

01. Replace the ‘no thanks’ button on popup ads with ‘fuck off’.

02. Come up with a unit of measurement for laughter and call it ‘Daves’.

03. Let people choose any letter from their names to be their initials, not necessarily only the first ones.

04. Make every verbal exchange in list-form.

05. Stop calling it ‘body hair’. Isn’t your head part of your body?

06. Fix my fucking laptop screen so I don’t have to have everything crammed into half of it.

07. ___ ___ ___ ___

08. Stop the mistreatment of pet rocks.

09. Replace words with onomatopoeia. A phone call should be called “beep beep beep beep beep beep beep”, with an extra ‘beep’ if it’s a long distance call. MTV should be called the sound you make when you vomit.

10. Measure a person’s height in their own foot length.

11. Come up with more relevant people to name our days after.

12. Stop singing the Jeopardy theme while someone is thinking.

13. Invent bathroom doorknobs that only open if a person’s hand is wet.

14. Invent bathroom doorknobs that only open if a person’s hand is wet WITH WATER!

15. Be thankful everyday of your life that you don’t have to draw cover-pages for projects anymore.

16. Say “make palaver” instead of “have a conversation.

17. Carry around post-it notes that say ‘Like’.

18. Stop discriminating between vowels and non-vowels. They’re all letters after all abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

19. Come up with the title for lists before you write them and not the other way around.

20. Change the name of the planet to the more accurate “Water”.

One of Those 25 Thing Things

I did this on my Facebook page, but thought I’d post it here too so that I’d be a bit more original, after all EVERYONE posts it on their Facebook page. I have to admit I’d already used two of the things I put there on this blog (blech I hate that word…) before, so I changed them. Think of this as the UK version!

1a) I tell time by drawing a line on my fingernail in the morning and just seeing how much it has moved.

1b) I’m convinced that our entire lives are divided into 21.3 second bits and that we experience them in a random order, but we think we just experienced the one that chronologically came before.

1j) I find it funny how we all stick to this arbitrary ‘alphabetical order’, and how much it affects our lives.

1d) I think cargo pants look stupid.

1e) I bleed Raptors red, I guess like most people…

1f) I think that people who were taught to tie their shoelaces with one bunny ear will develop entirely different personalities than those who were taught with two.

1g) I would have rather they’d picked a talented young female actress, like the girl from Miss Sunshine, to play Anakin in Episode I, and have the character go through a sex change than to be forced to endure that little shit they chose. Then again the dialogue was a pile too. I think you could write a better script by just channel surfing for two hours, changing the channel every few seconds, and writing down whatever disjointed dialogue you hear: infomercials, rap videos, whatever.

1h) I think it’s gross that the low points in famous people’s lives become entertainment in the form of tabloids for the masses to gawk at.

1i) I learned most of my morals from Zordon.

1c) I like when form matches content.

1k) I do things in sets of three.

1l) My four favourite songs (At the moment! It’s so hard to choose four, if I picked them in an hour from now I’d probably change a couple of them, these are just the ones that come to mind.) from my four favourite bands are, in alphabetical order:

A Day in the Life
Can’t Stop
Civil War
Death of a Martian
Don’t Forget Me
Fade In-Out
Gas Panic!
Happiness is a Warm Gun
I’m Outta Time
I’ve Got a Feeling
Mr. Brownstone
Paradise City
Turn Up the Sun
Wet Sand

1m) I usually do things in sets of three.

1n) I find eating REALLY boring, actually I just ate, I had chicken and rice, but I digest – err digress.

1o) I’ve watched pretty much every episode of every season of Survivor, I think that’s why I’m so tall.

1p) I like non-sequiturs.

1q) Sometimes I look at the stacks of books in a library, and find it utterly amazing that such a small amount of matter contains mountains and mountains of ideas and thoughts. That the thoughts they generate and that they contain, which would look gargantuan if we could physically see the realm of ideas, are contained in such a little objects. Almost like the books are small mushrooms and the ideas they’re linked to are the networks of roots connected to them underground.

1r) I’d like to leave about a millimeter uncut in the middle of my fingernails all year, so that eventually I’d get these foot long, one millimeter wide claws. I think girls would find that attractive.

1s) I think grocery stores should have an aisle of food for thought.

1t) I think that astrology could be pretty accurate if every person in the world had their own sign, and their characteristics were based on psychological tests.

1u) When I listen to my iPod I usually drum along with my teeth; when I’m eating, it makes music edible!

1v) It would be nice to be reincarnated as a string on Jimi Hendrix’s guitar.

1w) When I get that first single seat on the bus, I know it’s going to be a good day. Also when I see the letter B instead of A after the numbers 1-9-6, I feel like I’ve just won the lottery.

1x) I love it when what a subway musician is singing/playing fits in perfectly with what you’ve listening to on your iPod.

1y) “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato,

Websites That Are The Worst (vol. I & II)

A while ago I started writing things on my MSN Space, a while ago I also stopped doing that.  I don’t mean to sound humble, but what I wrote was pretty inspired.  So I’m going to put the few things from my career as an MSN Spacer onto here for you to enjoy.  Beginning with my two articles looking at websites that are the worst, hope you like!


August 19, 2004

Websites That Are The Worst (vol. I)

Me and some of my friends have realised that the only thing better than a great movie, is an awful movie. So I figured that the same would apply to websites. But the good thing about websites is that you don’t have to waste $4.25 (or $13.00 for you idiots that don’t go to Rainbow) and an hour to get enjoyment out of them. But I know, who has the kind of time to look through websites to find the absolute WORST ones, well I do. So here you go.


This website is just what it sounds like, videos of people crying while eating. All I’ve got to say is -__________________________________________-

But I guess if this is how you get your jollies, its a lot easier than punching people in the school cafeteria, which could result in you getting wing-chuned.


I’m sorry this is just STUPID. A site with virtual bubble wrap to pop. I’m sorry if you have so much time on your hands that you can afford to “have fun” at this site you aren’t bored you’re just an idiot.


I’m sorry I ever stumbled upon this little wealth of knowledge, obviously written by an honours student.


This website isn’t so much the worst as it is just plain stupid. It’s stupid experiments to do with your microwave. You know out there some kids are gonna try these. PLEASE DON’T DO THESE!!! I’m talking to you Joseph, you mad scientist.


Ok, I know I say that there is a lot of strategy behind rock, paper, scissors, and I actually do think that. But what this site talks about isn’t exactly what I mean, this is just the worst.

Well that’s all for now, vol. II is already being compiled by our team of experts…me. Comments are always appreciated. Hope these sites didn’t kill to many of your brain cells.

-David “The Un-Worst” _____


March 12, 2005

Websites That Are The Worst (vol.II)

Well it’s March Break, and today I find myself without any plans. This means I could:

a) read my novel for History

b) practice my piece for Music

c) waste my well earned time, on the internet

The answer seemed clear. So I decided to put up volume two of websites that are the worst, since the first one was met with the thunderous sounds of crickets. Ah well. Without further delay, I give you another five websites which are simply the worst.

1) We’ll start things off with this doozy. It’s a staring contest…with the computer. Alright the fact that I have time to look on the internet for terrible websites is pretty bad, but if you have time to have a staring contest with a f*cking computer you are beyond help. The whole notion is ridiculous, it’s basically to see if you can keep your eyes open for a random amount of time before the computer *blinks*. Next.

2) this site is kind of funny. It’s pictures of some moron driving around with a giant inflatable Hulk in his car. Because it’s such a novel idea there are also pictures of this giant Hulk swimming, and selling lemonade. Yeah…

3) This is a group of people with a very very righteous cause. Well I’ll let them explain it themselves: “Nowadays the “This Page Intentionally Left Blank”-Project (TPILB-Project) tries to introduce these blank pages to the Web again. One reason is to keep alive the remembrance of these famous historical blank pages. But it is the primary reason to offer internet wanderers a place of quietness and simplicity on the overcrowded World Wide Web—a blank page for relaxing the restless mind.” Very worthwhile cause indeed. If you guys wanna do something helpful go rescue a kitten, or better yet find out where Axl Rose has been hiding all these years, THAT’S a worthwhile cause.

4) WOW! A gallery of urinals from around the world! The best one is by far the one from “Red’s Take 5 Sports Bar & Grill”. I guess this is for women who have never seen a urinal before. I know I didn’t get that much enjoyment out of it.

5) This site is truly shits and giggles. (should’ve wrote that for the last one, it would have sort of been true) You type in your name, or any word, and it spells it out in pictures of letters. I came up with a list of things I would enjoy more than taking part in this website. Here are some of them:

1) counting the number of hairs on my leg

15) reading 50 cent lyrics

38) having sex with a blender

87) telling Ms. Segall to not be so mean…please (I wouldn’t escape with both nuts intact)

10067) being the guy in that Manure video from science

So there you have it another five websites added to the list. Since MSN spaces don’t have counters, it’d be nice if everyone who looked at it could please so nice as to leave a comment? In other words leave a comment f*ckers.

Alright I’m off. Enjoy the freedom people.

-David “with nothing to do” _____