Six (Bad) Optical Illusions

1.  Lets start off with a classic. Is the green line longer in figure A or in figure B?

2.  This one technically isn’t an optical illusion, it’s similar to the test used to check for red/green colour blindness. Can you see the number ‘3’ in the image below? If not you may be black/jet-black colour blind.

3. The image below appears to be made up of randomly placed lines and curves. However if you stare at the white dot for thirty minutes and then look at a blank surface, a word will emerge.

4. This is my take on the famous old/young woman illusion. In that illusion the image can either be seen as a young woman or an old woman. Though it isn’t obvious at first, the image below can also be seen in two different ways. Try for yourself! If you can’t, scroll down to see the explanation.

Explanation:
At first this appears to only be a sun. However it can also become a face if the sun spots are seen as a pair of eyes, a nose and a mouth. Once it’s explained it’s almost hard NOT to see them that way!

5. Again, this one isn’t quite an optical illusion, but it’s such a cool effect that I had to include it! Certain colours facilitate to linguistic processing while others inhibit it.  One example of a facilitative colour is green; an example of an inhibitory colour is red. Said another way: green words are easier to read than red words.  See for yourself in the following example!

6. We’ll also end off with a classic. I’m sure you’ve seen this clip of the spinning girl on the internet before. The cool thing is that you can see her rotating both ways. If you stare long enough she will appear to switch directions again and again.

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The Forests (Separated)

I figured I would put this up again but with the stories separated. I did play around with different colours but it was hard to get a combination that was easy to read. So here it is with them separated. Please give the original one a shot first though!

I unfortunately found myself lost in the woods, walking along a path made many years ago. The sun had long since set and a small moon, offering little light, had taken its place. What light it did provide was filtered by a mass of branches, leaves and trunks. Shadows swirled around me, taking forms for a moment before receding back into harmlessness. I pressed on. Ahead the road split in two and neither path seemed more hospitable than the other, I chose the right. An owl hooted somewhere in the distance and it seemed to approve of my decision.

I walked for some time, only having the sound of my own footsteps to keep me company. The forest seemed to relax its stranglehold on the night sky, occasionally even allowing a few stars to peak through its clutches. I walked on. After some eventless minutes or perhaps even hours, the dread that had hung over me subsided. In time it passed altogether. I began to notice how pleasant the night air and the sounds of the forest were. Leaves rustling in the wind seemed to provide an ever-present hum. It was as though the forest was meditating on some whispered mantra; it exuded a calmness that I could feel soaking into my being. I reflected on the fact that my footsteps were blending with the other things I heard and becoming part of the forest’s sounds. I felt a oneness with nature that I’d often heard about but never experienced. Somehow being lost in nature served to dissolve the connections I had to the world outside of it. That world began to seem like a profane mockery of the existence all around me. I was no longer lost in enemy territory; I was in a being that had given birth to me. Stopping and standing still, I closed my eyes and tilted my head towards the sky. The forest’s “om” continued. On top of it came a symphony of sounds: wings fluttering behind me, a small animal chirping, a twig snapping to my left… all part of the sphere that I now felt at one with. I imagined my feet reaching deep into the Earth, and myself springing up from the same source that had produced the trees and the animals. I was no different than them, but rather the same spirit clothed in a different costume. After some time I continued along the path.

With my mind lost in the welcoming eternity surrounding me, it was some time before I noticed a gap in the trees ahead: an exit. Even after I did, it seemed so foreign and out of place that at first I didn’t realize what it was. Slowly it dawned on me and when it did the hazy plateau I’d been standing on seemed to sink sheepishly back into the ground. I stopped walking; my parents had just called me for dinner. It felt like the last few moments of a dream, when waking life seeps in and coldly does away with the fantastic creatures, buildings and scenery. Somehow I knew that what I’d felt in here would be dissolved by the unforgiving reality out there. I stared at the mouth that was about to swallow me whole. Or perhaps it was the reverse and I was about to be released from something. Grudgingly I walked on and as I did, doubt wrapped its warm and cynical hands around me. I started to write off my experience as the product of a tired and panicked mind. The closer I came to the edge of the forest the more ridiculous it all seemed, almost embarrassingly so. Light had been shone into my secret hiding place; the shadow puppets had became worn out socks. I took my last few steps out of the forest and back into the world.

I unfortunately found myself deep in the woods, walking along a path made many years ago. The sun had long since set and a small moon, offering little light, had taken its place. Shadows swirled around me, taking forms for a moment before sinking back into harmlessness. I pressed on. Ahead the road split in two and neither path seemed hospitable, I chose the left. An owl hooted somewhere in the distance and it seemed to disapprove of my decision.

I walked for some time; the forest appeared to grow darker and more sinister. On two occasions I stopped, believing to hear footsteps in the woods, only to be taunted with silence when I did. An echo, I told myself. Whether I traveled for minutes or hours, I couldn’t tell. I hated these woods, and I hated myself for being lost in them. My mind was immersed in thoughts of self-pity and anger when suddenly a shape moved across the road ahead. I froze and felt the blood in my body turn to ice. Squinting into the trees I searched for the shape that I was convinced meant to harm me. Nothing. My whole body buzzed with the anticipation of danger, it mixed with the darkness around me and formed a threat so great that I resigned myself to some grisly and unavoidable death. I stood like that for some time, frozen in place but feeling like everything inside of me was moving very quickly. I decided to go back to the fork, and take the other path.

Walking quickly I went back the way I came, looking over my shoulder every few steps. I expected to see a pair of eyes without sanity or feel breath without warmth at any moment. Stories I’d heard of ghosts and demons came flooding into my mind and took shape in the shadows all around me. I was running now and in a state of frenzy. Looking back then looking ahead, looking back then looking ahead. Everything started to seem the same; the darkness was closing in on me. I realized that I must have missed the fork. I kept going. To move was to remain safe and to stay still was surely to die. Movement ahead. I stopped. Squinted. Nothing. Quick agitated breathing. My own? No, beside me. I looked in horror. Nothing. Footsteps behind me. Spun around. A shape. Pain. The darkness became absolute.

I unfortunately found myself deep in the woods, walking along a path made many years ago. The sun had long since set and a small moon, offering little light, had taken its place. Shadows swirled around me, taking forms for a moment before sinking back into harmlessness. I pressed on. Ahead the road split in two and neither path seemed hospitable, I chose the left. An owl hooted somewhere in the distance and it seemed to disapprove of my decision.

I walked for some time; the forest appeared to grow darker and more sinister. On two occasions I stopped, believing to hear footsteps in the woods, only to be taunted with silence when I did. An echo, I told myself. Whether I traveled for minutes or hours, I couldn’t tell. I hated these woods, and I hated myself for being lost in them. My mind was immersed in thoughts of self-pity and anger when suddenly a shape moved across the road ahead. I froze and felt the blood in my body turn to ice. Squinting into the trees I searched for the shape that I was convinced meant to harm me. Nothing. My whole body buzzed with the anticipation of danger, it mixed with the darkness around me and formed a threat so great that I resigned myself to some grisly and unavoidable death. I stood like that for some time, frozen in place but feeling like everything inside of me was moving very quickly. I decided to continue, mustering every bit of courage I could gather.

Starting off slowly at first, I moved forward. Soon I reached the point in the road that I’d judged the shadow to have crossed. I braced myself. After a few minutes without any harm befalling me I began to relax. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, my muscles eased and I began taking breaths that filled my lungs. A twig snapped in the forest to my right. I took off like a canon shot, running faster than I’d ever run before. The cool air made my eyes water and my throat burn but I kept going. The unknown evil took on every possible form in my mind until I was convinced there was an entire horde behind me, gaining on me. My footsteps and my heartbeat were pounding in my ears, making it impossible to tell how many there actually were. On and on, my legs pushing the road farther and farther behind me with every lunge. I struggled to keep the fear from overwhelming me, beating it back with the exhausting movement.

In the distance I saw a patch of black, lighter than the darkness around me: the end of the forest. Surely this was my mind playing a cruel trick on me, or rather a trick to motivate me. However the patch began to grow as I moved on and I realized that I was actually nearing the edge. From this distant promise of safety I found the strength to keep going. The patch became a tear and then a doorway, I ran through that doorway and back into the world. Fresh air, stars and open space burst into my awareness. I collapsed on a grassy hill a short distance from the exit. Whipping myself around I looked back at the forest and the evil behind me. Nothing. My lungs were on fire and I gulped down air to try and put it out. I lay there panting, staring and waiting. Seconds and then minutes passed without any sign of movement. Relief flooded over me in shades of joy and ecstasy. With a dawning realization I laughed aloud at what had probably been no more than some small animal.

John Lennon Influencing Drake?

(I’ve added two notes at the end since I originally wrote this.)

Drake does this thing when he’s rapping where he’ll say a line and then say a single, non-sequitur word* that is related to that line. For example:

“I can teach you how to speak my language. Rosetta Stone.”

“Swimming in the money come and find me. Nemo.”

Lil Wayne does it too, interestingly only after That Carter III. I’m curious who influenced who? Examples from WEEZY:

“Been running this shit. Blisters.”

“That’s that mob shit n*. Martin Scorsese.”

I’ve heard Nicki Minaj do it too. Neat that they’re all sort of in the same group and do a lot of songs together, I guess these things spread. Two examples from Nicki Minaj, within a few seconds of eachother:

“Hang it up. Flatscreen.
Plasma.
Hey Nicki hey Nicki. Asthma.”

I like this kind of style. Metaphors and similes are a major part of rap, but usually within the structure of sentences. This is almost like they’re too cool to bother with putting their metaphor/simile into a sentence. I think it comes across as cocky, which is cool. Actually sometimes they’re metaphors/similes, sometimes they’re metonyms. Metaphors/similes talk about the similarity between two things (e.g. I can teach you how to speak my language, I’m the Rosetta Stone/I can teach you how to speak a language like the Rosetta stone does).** Metonyms refer to something by way of another thing that is “intimately associated with that thing or concept” (Wikipedia). For example calling a credit cards ‘plastic’, calling a language a ‘tongue’ or referring to the mob by saying Martin Scorcese.

Now onto John Lennon! I wrote in another post that as far as I know John Lennon was the first singer to truly break the fourth wall in a song. The first person to talk to a specific audience, identified as himself. I also said that by doing this he made rap possible, mostly jokingly. Now I think that he might have been the first person to do this sort of thing that I’ve been talking about. In the song “It’s Only Love” he says:

“When you sigh my, my inside just flies, butterflies.”

Butterflies is a single non-sequitur word, related to the line that came before it. It’s a simile for the way he describes feeling, but without putting the simile into a sentence (i.e. my inside just flies as though I had butterflies in my stomach). I guess another way to look at it is he’s specifying what he meant when he said ‘flies’, again without doing it in a sentence.***

In reality it doesn’t quite matter exactly how it’s related. It’s a single word added after a sentence and related to it in some way, but without other words to make the relation explicit and grammatically correct. To me that makes it the same as the rap examples.

What’s my point here? In all seriousness I don’t actually think that this style in rap comes from “It’s Only Love”. But I think it’s very cool, and indicative of how creative he was, that John Lennon came up with this sort of thing decades ago. Maybe he himself got it from somewhere, I’d love to hear about it if you know of an earlier example.

* When I say non-sequitur I mean that it doesn’t follow grammatically. It comes out of nowhere in the same way that the rap examples did. Obviously it isn’t a non-sequitur in terms of meaning.

** Often it could be either a metaphor or a simile, depending on how you phrased the sentence around the extra word.

*** I suppose you could say that it’s part of the sentence, but tacked on and without any words to make it fit grammatically. Same thing really.

Note: A friend of mine pointed out that none of the examples I mentioned are true metonyms because the single word would never be used as a substitute for the idea it’s related to (e.g. you wouldn’t substitute “Scorsese” for “the mob”). So if the word doesn’t imply a metaphor or a simile, but is simply related to the sentence, I’m not sure if it technically qualifies as anything more than just that.

Note: I just read that this sort of style (apparently called “truncated similes”) was originated by Big Sean, especially in a song called “Supa Dupa”.  Here is Drake talking about it!

30 Minutes Take Two

giving this another shot. shot of benzedrine i think i was allergic to amoxacilin as a kid but because it tasted like bananas which are strange fruits they become yellow when they are ready to be eaten what a weird colour to indicate eating ready state of fruit which is a word to describe another well move on from there keys onthe keyboard are black like the black keys which are a band that play music a can type out each other album names but i dont want to right now right write wright which one is right ha ha ha ha what a funny soudn to make when things are funny i wonder what advantage that provided out ancestors as a kid but i mean a kid in terms of the human race why a race who is going to win that is a joke ive heard before, that was a little joke voila, praise is due to the plblah blah blah kanye is very tlented but he was a very strange name maybe i should autocorrect this after but i cant think about that now just write whatever comes to mind a waste is a terrible thing to mind. that s interesting teresting in teresting was what i was trying to say pay heydaymaylay clay fray way play ray kay may nay moving ON! rhyming is interesting wht a strange thing it is and what a strange thing it is that we enjoy when things rhyme music rhymes but where did that convention come from. and why is music only sounds and words put together someone decided that at somepoint and it just stuck. doubt s creeping back and i have to forget that and just keep typing. qwerty is what people all these typewriters. its a good thing that the first five keys werent fuckyou thats more than five but i cant count at the moment count dracula is a count he is also on the cover of cereal boxes what a cool thing to be on the cover of. although id rather be on the cover of an album, an album ocver if you will. maybe i will have to correct the spelling. spelling spelling spelling what if i misspelled the word spelling, that is interesting. i like words that sould i mean sound like what they mean. i think that ‘odd’ is one such word. periods and commas… ,,, … ,,, … ,,, comma kind of sounds like what it means but what does it really mean? mountains are green with grass but are mountains actually green, who kows sides of mountains are covered with grass this is true true true ture turing is a test to see if machines possess intelligence is that true? let them try and type non-stop for thirty minutes atnd that will demonstrate intelligence. i havent sworn yet. swearing can mean saying a bad thing and something religious which is interesting i suppose it is because most of the swear words used to be religious. what if they used to be fruits, then swearing would be called producing. well moving on gevetables are a thing i havent talked about yet. i dont like them on sandwiches but i do like them on the side. iceberg lettuce what the fuck is the point in it even existing. but isnt that the real question! wo oh well oh well what the hell does that mean? oh well i should look up where that saying comes from it is a bit strange. i think that this would be better if I spelled better but thats alright its okay, y y y y y is an interesting letter because it waas I mean has three points okay thats just been eight minutes and im fucking exhausted exhaust pipes on cars spill poisoinous gasses into the air so isnt that exhausting. I WANT TO STOP. but i cant because i started and now how would THAT look! i wish I could speak things into existence like God supposedly can. i guess from a certain point of view when you say things they do become existing (horrible way to phrase that no cant worry about that) so when you say things they are created which is cool. can God create a rock that is too heavy for him to lift. how many people have ever said that and felt fucking clever. 152346 by my estimate! why that number? when I look at a number I automatically check if is a multiple of three. weird I suppose. suppose i want to suppose a supposition governor? okay thats alright. why do people spell it OK?? because they are lazy!! spelling OK is NOT what im doing at the moment. I wonder if people that capitalize the letter /I/ when referring to themselves are being cocky? hahaha cocky what a weird work to describe being full of yourself. I wonder if it was a lady or a boy that came up with that definition? you see by saying lady or a boy I tried to avoid sounding sexist, if I had said woman or a man it brings to mind disgusting old convesrvative men (well not slaming conservatives dont worry) but these old people in tutrle necks and mustaches talking about how women should stay in the kitchen and that horse shit. but if I say lady and boy it sounds a bit more innocent, and innocent is what that general wondering was! that is a phrase fromfriends I think that Changler Bing said that! what a stupid name. Friends was a good show! look how much I like it I even took the time to capitalize it! I guess oh wow now I even capitalized the letter I. So I wonder if peopele ever avoid capitalizing the letter I when referring to themselves because they dont like themselves. its interesting that capitalizing the first letter of something shows respect. what is cool is this. fuck the outcome its all about the process, SOMETIMES! it had better be because this outcome wont be very great but this process does feel quite freeing. I wonder why we associate freeing with flying? I suppose thats quite obvious. what a weird sounding word obvious. I like to look at the keys on my keyboard and see which ones have been used the most and are the most worn away. I iuse to use a keyboard cover but I realized that was a bit too Maire Barone ESQUE. marie barone! Everybody Loves Raymond was a good show. the Dad was funny. Guck what inane gibber gabber! Onopatopea is NOT how you spell the word I’m trying to relate to you . Constricting thought into language is like making orange juice, a cup of orange juie out of ten fucking oranges. But at this speed im just struggling to keep the train going. I guess this must be good for something anyway lets move on. saying something lik e”lets move on” sounds pretentious as well. alright radiators and heaters warm the room up like the sun. what is the fascination with the sun? well thats quite ovbious it warms the earth and lets crops grow, which was the most important thing to our ancestors. I dont feel like im properly expressing or s dois doing justice to myself wlike this. Thhis must be what it feels like to struggle to get words out in a foreign language. Language is such an amazing thing. I would like to use other adjectives but it might sound pretentious. letters I think that letters I think that letters I think that letters. I would like to find the linguistic equivalent of chord progressions. That would be very interesting. when I post this on Facebook maybe I shouldn’t post it because people will raise their eyebrows at it. I would hate it if people raised their eyebrows at me! fuck them. glasses are interesting. not the ones that you put on your nose but the ones that you drink out of silly! they are these objects that hold a liquid in a certain position in mid air when otherwise it would just collapse and go everytwere! pretty cool. glassses that go on your nose are prety ineresting as well. I saw a TED talk about an intentor that had had invented glasses makde made with water and that were entirely adjustable and cost something like eight dollars. you should fill them with beer and call them beer Goggles HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA funny man I am well not a man exactly. anyway the number seven looks cool, quite different from the mumber eight which it immediately predecesses. well then i see that I only have ten mintues left. time for some unedited, totally free free association. trees swings bepeople on swings swining red wagons calvin hobbes comics great comics mom dad of calving without names Zits comics seemed like the heirs to the throne but arent very good anymore. political comics, it semms like newspapers just put them in because they feel like they have to nowadays. not that I know jack shit about politics and thus am not the proper person to judge them! politics are aone of those topics that everyone seems to know about and be an expert on. tables with four legs why four legs?? I suppose that makes sense. takles . tables rather. very much liek glasses just holding things in mid air that would other wise collapse. wells of meaing inundated with ogres and elves, prancing about in nutshells of comically cosmic osmosis. well anyway. why do I say that so often fuck fuck fuck. what an amazing ly cathartic word that is, and i am slowing down NO cant slow down must go ahead not MUCH TIME let. left. dunny I mean funny that capitalizing a word makes it read louder that is funny hahahhahaha but not HAHAHAHAHA hahaha. wlol I hate that I sometimes accidentally say lol in real life. but why is that so bad? nothign is bad, there is no way to judge something as being good or bad so its all good! ahhahahahaha exclamation marks look like they should look, they look loud. but obviously that is just hte years of associating the two concepts. i used to collect bangaes. bandages. band aids and bandages what is the difference? is it like kleenexes and tissues? who knows. lists I could have just written a a list but fuck thats been done. hover crafts would be interesting indeed you could HOVER with them what does hover spell backwards revoh wow that is amazing that i could do that on the fly! another word to spell backwards. how about howdy ydwoh hahahahahha that is fun! what about elephant tanhelle oopes fucked that one up. dekcuf tha is good. family gy isnt a great show. i cant beleive that people think its on par with the simpsons. ill make a family guy joke this moment, this instance in fact! all over af ah fuck it i dont know where that was going, i was just going to rewrite a single phrase over and over. but seriously that is the joke, well you know that already. but its weird that the thing itself isnt funny, its just that its being done over and over. I guess the form is funny which I’m all for. contractions, what a cool addition to the english language. but when people try to make them up they get slammed! like saying t’phone well not that but you know what I mean when people try to edit out parts of a word to sound cool. I dwonder if that is how people started saying don’t instead of do not. some fucking cool ass guy started saying don’t and everyone thought he sounded very cool and relaxed and now its normal. moving on periods and commas … ,,, … ,, its lucky that our colons have two dots! how the fell I mean hell would we make all of these emoticons if they had three dots?!?!?!?!? we’d be utterly emotionless on the internet which is all that matters right? question marks also look like questions but again that is ijust the years and years of associating the two. two one xero should really nbe spelled with an x, those xerox fucks were on to something. on the the the the is a pretty overused word! its become a tad too trite if I do say so myself. sayso should be a word. maybe one say it will be! ive always wanted to make up a word. but how to do that, would be hard to communicate the ocnept it attempts to communicate with a out a a word to communicate it in the first place! rrroburos is not how you spell that either. i like words with double letters like letter. double should really have been spelled doubble to have had two letters in it. im going to be almost done in 28 seconds. what if the world ended while I was doing this and I didnt notice because I was so utterly engrossed in trying to communicate this mishmash of words running through my head?

44 (Doing a Project)

(from March 10th, 2010)
———

80, 02, 40, 02 00, 02, 69, 91, 29, __

Roger barely looked up from his piece of paper in time to avoid walking into the annoyingly well-dressed kid strutting past. The kid looked like he’d just combed his hair back with a hamburger, and was talking on his blackberry. ‘Fuck’ thought Roger as he jumped onto the grass out of the way. “… some old leaf” he heard the kid say annoyingly to whatever annoying friend he was ‘talking’ to. ‘Leaf eh?’ Roger was convinced that there was a mastermind living underground somewhere, choosing random words from the dictionary to turn into slang. ‘I’m not a leaf’ he thought defiantly.

He went back to his piece of paper. ‘Eighty divided by two is forty, but then how do you get from forty to two? And why have two zeros, just so that every number is two digits? Does working this out on the street make me a leaf?’ Roger has just won $500 on a lottery ticket, but couldn’t figure out the skill-testing question. ‘This is hard! I never thought they were actually skill testing. And what kind of skill was this testing anyway?’ He kept working on it as he made his way down the street.

In the distance he saw someone he knew coming down the street, ‘fuck’. ‘I don’t want to take out my earphones. Should I do the polite one earphone out thing. Nah fuck it.’ He reached the person, who mouthed something with a smile, Roger couldn’t hear a word of it. “Good and you?” Roger guessed. The other person nodded, said something else and kept walking. ‘Phew! One day I’m going to get that wrong though. They’ll say something like my pancreas just exploded get help! Good and you?’

Roger had reached his destination, 33 Chestnut Drive, the home of Robert. ‘Robert, Robert, Robert… of all the people to be paired up with for this assignment why Robert.’ He banged in the door and waited for an answer. ‘What a barbaric idea that is. Can you imagine doing that in any other situation? If you’re eating dinner and want someone’s attention you start banging on the table. Or just banging on the wall if you want to call someone into a room’.

“Hi there!” Robert’s mother opened the door with a smile.

“Hey, hi, how are you, ma’am?” Roger fumbled. He hated talking to other people’s parents, he never knew how formal to be. For some reason he imagined that once you have a kid you immediately change into someone who only discusses routes to work and fiber; and your only idea of fun is playing ‘who can find the remote’.

“Robert is in his room, go on up!”

“Thank you, Mrs. ma’am”. Robert… Robert was an odd kid. Not a bad kid, but a kid with one VERY annoying habit. At some point between grades 10 and 11 some person, some EVIL person, had told Robert what a palindrome was. Ever since then Robert tried to turn every fucking sentence he ever spoke into one –
“Hey Roger!” said Robert from the top of the stairs. “Reg, or…yeh?” – only he was shit at it.

‘Does he want me to respond to that? Reg or yeh… what the hell does that mean.’ “Hey Robert, how’s it goin’?” He shook Robert’s hand hoping he wouldn’t say anything else. ‘I guess that sort of made sense. Regular, or… yeah regular. But why was it a question?’ He followed Robert into his bedroom. It was like any typical teenager’s bedroom, full of dirty clothes, plates with half-eaten sandwiches and so on. And it smelled like Jabba the Hutt’s jockstrap, whatever that meant. “All set to do this thing?”

“Yup! Puy.” …This was going to be a loooooong afternoon. The two of them had to write a presentation on kayaks and their influence on the fur trade, or some shit like that. Roger found a chair and sat down. He checked his watch 3:53; hopefully they could finish quickly. Roger looked at his new watch, water-resistant up to 100 m. He smiled, and remembered that when he was a kid he actually took depth of water resistance into account when buying watches. ‘Hundred…’ He pulled out the piece of paper with the string of numbers on it. ‘Eighty plus zero two reversed was a hundred. AND forty plus zero two reversed… was not a hundred.’ ‘Eighty, two, forty. Eighty to forty? Negative forty? No that doesn’t help.’ The first six numbers seemed somehow related… but those last three… He angrily put it away realizing that he shouldn’t ignore his word-smith of a friend.

“Did you get those books from the library?” Roger asked.

“Over there, er… eh t-revo.” Robert replied. He chuckled and smiled to himself as if that were a particularly good one. Roger felt himself getting annoyed. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with Robert mentally, so it was OK to think he was a moron. But really, how did he not clue in that the second half of whatever he said made no fucking sense. “See them? Meh, tee-”

“Yeah thanks” Roger cut him off. It was probably pretty hard to do actually, remembering what you just said and flipping it around… but so was head-butting yourself in the balls, that doesn’t mean it’s impressive. Well actually… bad example. Roger pulled out a book on kayaks and started reading. ‘Ah who am I kidding’ he thought and went to turn on Robert’s computer. He moved the mouse and the racecar screen saver disappeared. “Alrighty, wikipedia it is?”

“Good idea, a edid, OOG!” Sometimes he yelled his nonsense words as if that would make more sense. Robert pulled up a chair and sat beside Roger. While the computer loaded Roger pulled out the numbers again. ‘Maybe it’s an odd/even thing…’

“Zero…” he started to think outloud “is that always even?”

“Never odd or even. Ne, verod. Dore ven…” replied Robert. Roger hadn’t realized he was talking out loud. “Hmm”. The computer came on and Roger put the numbers on the desk. The weirdest thing was that Robert hadn’t noticed that his short name: Bob, was actually a palindrome. People made sure not to tell him too, Roger chuckled. Wikipedia came up and Roger typed in a word.

“How do you pronounce this word again?” he asked pointing to the screen.

“Flocci nauci nihili pili fication, No I tac, if I lip, I lihin, I cuanic. Colf?” Robert replied helpfully.

“Right, thanks.” Roger replied, annoyed that his scheme hadn’t worked. They sat there in silence for a second and then he said: “You know that doesn’t mean anything, that last thing you said”.

“It’s a palindrome! Emord… ni lap? As ti!” Robert replied, grinning like an idiot.

“Whatever.” Roger said sitting back in his chair. “So how should be split up the presenting… should I do all the talking or…”

“What’s that? Tah T.S.T. ahw.” Robert said pointing the piece of paper with the numbers on it.

“Oh nothing, a stupid puzzle I can’t figure out. So kayaks… they’re exciting eh?” Robert picked up the paper. ‘I guess he’s changing the subject, was I rude?’ “Ok we can both talk.”

Without saying anything Robert picked up a pen, wrote something and handed it to Roger.

91

“What are you doing. In pen? Really?”

“Leap years. Sra eypa el.”

Leap years..? Then Roger saw it. The commas melted away and he saw the numbers grouped in fours: 8002, 4002, 0002, 6991 and now 2991. Or 1992, 1996, 2000, 2004, 2008. Leap years… backwards. He looked up at Robert, who was smiling, happy he could help.

“Leap years… Robert…” Roger was at a loss for words. ‘Wow he just gave me $500.’ Something about the way Robert had just handed him the paper; so eager to help made Roger feel guilty. Guilty for not wanting to be here… guilty for being dissapointed when he’d found out they were partners… guilty.

“Thanks… Bob” Roger said. Robert thought for a second, and then it hit him. His eyes let up as a huge smile came across his face.

Number 9

Some lists from a while ago!

    39 Things I Could Do Without

1. People who ‘do lunch’.
2. People who ‘pencil you in’ for things.
3. People who ‘pencil you in’ to ‘do lunch’.
4. People who make very obvious jokes.
5. People who point out that they make obvious jokes.
6. Anyone that says “___ for the win”.
7. Raps that start with “my name is __ and I’m here to say”.
8. People who reuse Facebook statuses later on hoping they get more laughs the second time.
9. ANYONE that says “fail”, “epic fail”, or any of that internet shit out loud.
10. People who put a ‘1’ in the middle of a bunch of exclamation marks.
11. People that ask “what’s up” and expect an answer.
12. People that just say the beginning or end of words as though that makes them sound cool.
13. Insults that rhyme.
14. People who repeat themselves.
15. People that ask if you know what they mean, after every fucking sentence.
16. Cynics.
17. People who repeat themselves.
18. You thought I’d do that right away didn’t you?
19. Well I didn’t.
20. And now i don’t know what’s happening.
21. This doesn’t make sense.
17. People who don’t back track when they get sidetracked.
18. Run on sentences.
19. Sentence fragments are another thing that really bother me, because they just sound so out of place and they don’t look nice, we shouldn’t write like we speak I think.
20. Every fast food commercial that ends with an awkward moment (all of them).
21. People who write lists that no one really cares about.
22. Weather in Fahrenheit.
23. Small talk about the weather in elevators.
24. People that think Two and a Half Men are a good show.
25. Word auto-correcting my grammar.
26. Another Seth McFarlane show.
27. People that jokingly ask ‘huh huh, my left or your left?’
28. People that do not use contractions while speaking.
29. Bread with seeds in it.
30. Obscure references that only Walther Ghil would get.
31. Being reminded to bubble inside the circles on a scantron.
32. Mars being ‘the closest it will be in for another thousand years’ every six months.
33. People who smile in the morning.
34. Parades on TV.
__. The number 35.
36. People who don’t understand how poker blinds work.
37. People who think it’s: ‘David SEE-DOO’.
38. Bus drivers that stop the bus to chat with other bus drivers in other buses.
39. Organ solos.

    29 Things I Do to Be Cool

1) I fold my TTC transfers in half so that I can casually flip them open when I show them.

2) Before I hand my laptop to someone I go to an impressive Wikipedia article and leave it open.

3) IAE (I acronymize everything).

4) I spray a bit of cologne on things that I’ve borrowed before I return them.

5) I say ‘2’ or ‘9’ instead of ‘season 2’ or ‘episode 9′.

6) I use really long passwords for Facebook that look cool to type (like: a s a d a f a g a h a j).

7) I write things that sound interesting to do on my hand and then cross them off.

8 ) When someone calls me I turn on music and then shut it off after I pick up the phone.

9) When I walk I imagine myself being filmed in slow motion with Here Comes the Boom playing.

10) I learned roman numerals because there is always a situation where people want to know what they mean but no one ever does.

11) I have top-5 lists ready for every topic.

12) When I talk to a stranger I imagine I’m being interviewed after a basketball game.

13) If someone asks a question that has a numerical answer I show it with my fingers instead of saying it.

14) I draw shapes with rulers and pretend it was free-hand.

15) If someone is watching me read on the bus, I look out the window every few minutes, then nod and return to reading.

16) I blink in time with music that’s playing.

17) I “drop my g’s”. (ballin’ instead of balling)

18) I learn the official names for things and write them in quotations.

19) I carry around balled up pieces of paper with rocks in the middle so I can casually toss them into faraway garbage bins.

20) I only make lists for notes ending in 9.

21) When I think of something clever to say I post it on the wall of one person from every group of friends that I have, so I can get the most laughs out of it without people knowing I’m reusing it.

22) I tap out ‘COOL’ in Morse code with my pens in class, so that people will unconsciously associate that with me.

23) I leave dumbbells out in my living room if I know people are coming over.

24) When I get up I try to do it as slowly as possible to emphasize my height, and go on my tippy-toes a little bit at the end.

25) I try not to say tippy-toes, or any words that end in an ‘ee’ sound out loud. I use words with strong endings like ‘ark’ or ‘ork’.

26) I ask questions I have really interesting answers to.

27) I give one fist pump per decade the other person has lived in a handshake.

28) I listen to rap.

29) I always walk against traffic, to give onlookers the impression that I’m moving very quickly.

    19 reasons I’m the greatest person ever, in every way.

1. I get books printed on contacts in a tiny, glow-in-the-dark font so I can study at night.

2. My birth took two weeks, making me an aquarius and a pisces. I have the strengths of both but none of the weaknesses.

3. I have never use verbs in the past tense because I live in the moment.

4. I I speak discovered in the two 27th sentences letter at of once, the so alphabet I allowing get me across to twice use the magic content words.

5. I’ve learned how to speak telepathically, but I still move my mouth to trick people.

6. I use 57.6 minute hours, giving me one extra hour per day.

7. I fit all of my blinking of the day into the the first hour (57.6 minutes) of that day, so that no one can sneak up on me.

8. Instead of walking, the Earth moves to accommodate me.

9. My esophagus can work in reverse, allowing me to breathe water and drink air. Because of this it’s impossible for me to die by drowning or dehydration. Or in any other way actually.

10. My Earth isn’t only divided into timelines from East to West, but also up and down (one minute per foot of altitude). This means I can travel through time by jumping up and down.

11. My heartbeat is a healthy sixty per minute; in other words one second passes for every beat of my heart. This means time will stop when I die… which isn’t possible.

12a. I don’t shave or get haircuts, I look at the hair and scare it back into my head.

12b. I don’t need sunglasses because light rays are intimidated by my stare.

13. daveisawesomeI daveisawesomeuse daveisawesomethe daveisawesometechnically daveisawesomecorrect daveisawesomeEnglish daveisawesomespellings daveisawesomeof daveisawesomewords: daveisawesomestarting daveisawesomeeach daveisawesomewith daveisawesomea daveisawesomesilent daveisawesome‘dave is awesome’.

14. I have callouses on my right palm from getting high fives after everything that I say. People eventually stopped because it hurt their hands; now it’s just implied.

15. I’m unbelievably modest.

16. I can make water out of thin air by making a fist, and squeezing that hydrogen and oxygen molecules together.

17. I can also turn water into air by punching it and breaking the molecules apart.

18. I’d rather not say anything than say some that isn’t profound. I’m never quiet.

19. I dont use punctuation because whatever I say is already punctuated by its brilliance

    9 Useful Life Lessons

1. If you are sitting in the fourth of the ‘reserved for old people’ bus seats (the one in each row nearest to the back of the bus) you’ll never have to give them up. The old people move so slowly that before they get to you, one of the people sitting in the first two will always get up. This also works for people with crutches. And if they do get all the way to you without someone else getting up, you’ll look like much less of a jerk that the people nearer to the front, who are also closer to the bus driver. Also, bus drivers are jerks until you’re old enough to grow a beard.

1a. Know when to pass up on obvious jokes.
1b. So they’ve been nice to me since I was twelve!

2. Find one online game and become amazing at it. Then whenever someone beats you at something say you ‘just found this cool game online’.

3. Learn how to play pool. Everyone always wants to play, and it’s about as fun as playing with marbles if you’re not good at it.

4. Your grades up until grade eleven don’t matter. I wish I’d known this sooner. They always made it seem that when you moved up a year that now shit got serious! ‘You’d better not fuck up colouring or you’ll be going to York a bad university!’ It would’ve been nice to know that even in junior high and high school nothing really mattered. I guess it mattered to the extent that having a good idea of how to study is helpful, and having a reputation as a good student probably does benefit you in the long run. But I wish I hadn’t stressed over all of those shitty math marks over the years.

7. Everyone loves gum. It’s amazing how people flock around the sound of a piece of gum getting pushed out of a pack like seagulls around bread crumbs. Have a pack of gum and you’ll always be everyone’s best friend. But you’ll need a new pack everyday because everyone will want some. People act like those five minutes of flavour will change their lives. It’s also worthwhile to master the art of silently pushing a piece out (first cutting the aluminum with your nail and then popping it out quietly) if you don’t want to share.

6. When you don’t want to talk to someone in the elevator, furrow your brow and check your wallet for something. Make it look like a really taxing task that requires you to look through a lot of different slots and cards and so on.

7. An iPod out of batteries is worse than death, make sure it never happens.

8. There’s always a way to sound like you know what you’re talking about.

-You can say ‘sort of’, and add ‘-ish’ to words when you’re talking about something and get away with a lot. If someone asks you where a country you’ve never heard of is, say ‘it’s near-ish to the equator’.

-You can always say ‘I preferred their earlier stuff’ when someone asks you about an album you’ve never heard of.

-You can always say either ‘the plot wasn’t that great but the effects were amazing!’ or ‘the effects were pretty bad but the plot was amazing’! about pretty much any movie you’ve never heard of. Use the title to judge which of the two to go with.

-You can always say ‘well really, everything is relative’ in any debate you don’t get.

9. Don’t waste cool T-Shirts on days when you’re wearing a sweat shirt.

30 Minutes

I’M GOING TO TYPE NON-STOP FOR THIRTY MINUTES I SET A TIMER AND AM GOING TO KEEEEP GOING UNTIL IT RUNS OUT! oops was looking down and honestly didnt see that caps lock was on. well this is probably the point where MOST of you are going to depart, seeing as this wont be THAT interesting. it is obviously not going to be very well thought out, or well written or well anything I like wells. I wish that we still got our water from wells. this is very fucking hard, not being able to stop for a second to think or collect your thoughts. they are flying all over the play and wow i meant to type place. thats something i didnt consider that i wont weven be looiing at the screen. okay two minutes almost. anyway, what to talk about? wehyll oh fuck ing fuck fuck this is hard. i wonder how different our religions and mythologies would be if we ohad two suns instead of one. or actually how different everything would have been if sdlfkj as;ldkfja;lskdjfa;lsdkjf ;lasdkj fTHIS IS HARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ooh that was nice and relaxing. stream of consioucness, i always hear people groan or roll their eyes with their words when that phrase pops up. i suppose there is something sinasdoisjdfsaodifasdiojfasodfj that is what im going to do when the word i would like to use isnt there right wawy. oww this is really like holding your breath. oaky what was i wasing pretentiousness. there are certain words that you cant help but sound rpetentious when you say thiem: paradigm is one of them. i know i had a lot of others but if course i cannt stop to think, i cant even stop to realize that i meant to write cannot instead of cant. well its been four whole fucking minutes so far. maybe if I slow things down a little bit. yeah this is nice. now i”m pretty sure that no one is going to be reading this so I can say whatever THE FUCK I want. well no wit asdlkfjasldk fasldjfasd buck this is SO FACKING HARD!!! but I’m going to push through and maybe try it agin another time and the fact that isnt the only time I will ever do this will make it easier. fuck this is pretty fucking incomprehensible. haha im being like a wrappter ooops I mean rapper and typing i mean . I am beaing like a rapper and saying fuck when I cant think of a word to say. Actually I think that they say fuck to make the sullables like up. ANYWAY. I think that I like riding in the back seat of a car beacuse it reminds me of when I was a kid being pushed in a stroller. I think that most hobbies we have as adults are trying to recapture those moments of bliss we had as kids playing with out toys by ourselves (OUR TOYS, not our toys as Freud might want to say). Fuck this is just horrendous language. I feel like this isdfa sdjf ;laskdjfl;askj dvakjsbfgajsdnflasdf That’s what happens when I lose my train of thought. FUCK! train of thought that’s funny. this is like one of those railroad building agames with trains running all over the fucking place , one train of thought YEAH RIGHT!!!!! Alright like usual like always I’m going to restat now and make everything proper. Just so you know I haven’t stoppe dtyyping since I started. I’ll admit that I AUTOMATICALLY hit backspace a couple of times when I bade a mistake but for the most part I haven’t really stopped. I don’t know why I decided to do this I know that no one will read it. ALRIGHT RESTARTING A CLEAN FRESH SLATE AND FROM NOW ON THINGS WILL BE WELL WRITTEN AND COMPREHENSIBLE!!!! IF YOU WERE SKIMMING AHEAD TO SEE IF IT GETS BETTER OR GETS LIKE ENGLIGH YOU CAN START READING HERE!!! Wow pretentiousness, that was what I was talking about earlier. I get reminded by that of phrases that people use in movies that are IMPOSSIBLE TO say in real life without sounding entirely fucking pretentious. Like “here we go”, try saying that in daily like and wee how well that goes over. Well this is NOT going well but I’ve eaten up a good ten minutes already. Alright lets be a little bit meta WAIT THIS IS THE REAL POINT WHERE THINGS WILL GET COMPREHENSIBLE SO IF YOU ARE SKIPPING AHEAD SKIP TO HERE!!!! >A<SJ@#UR)@#(*$)(@R)(@#*$)(@#*$ A couple of symbolys to get your attention, nice! So lets be meta and write about the process of this writing! But fuck THAT sounded pretentious. Alright is this ‘stream of consciousness’ is what I was wtiying Im ean asdfj askdj fal;skdjfasjd trying to answer easeirely . Fuck that just writing whatever gcomes to mind is berrrrrrrrrrry freeing. This is therapeutic and it’s no I mean so nice knowing that no one will be reading this!!!! I find it funny that periods indicate the end of a sentence but three of them inditcate that something will go on forever. If I were inventing a language that is the or a kind of ocnvention that i would adopt. I think it’s interesting that three of something would mean the exact opposite. Now back to what I was saying this isn’t stream of consiousness because there is more than i eam asdlkfj a;lsdjkfl;askdj f more to consciousness than one’s internal dialogue which is what I’m desperately trying to communicate every single word of here. It’s almost like being new at an instrument and not being able to get the I mean your fingers to play the sound that’s happening in your head fast enough. That reminds ofme the fuck the fuck I meant to say that that reminds me of song lyrics that I’ve misheard but preferred the misheard verisions. I will tell you about that in a sec but let me introduce a JOKE!!! Jokes are finnyaskd f;laksdjf;laskdjfl;askdj Was about to say jokes are funny but that sounds like something a sldkjf a;lsdkj flasjdvlasdkv I don’t know *word for a eperson I don’t want to sound like * would say. Carl Jung had a book called The Red Book where he wrote about his experie My joke is hould get back to because it involves time. Fuck man I think that this would have maybe been a lot better if i had written in English and not this gobbledygook. Alright why was 6 afraid of 7? I will tell you in exactly FIVE MINUTES!!! Alright sdakj flaksjd flakjs dfjust waste a okay here we go. No fooling I’m starting to make sense starting NOWWWWWWWW IF YOU ARE SKIMMING ALONG YOU CAN SKIM TO HERE!!!!!! Alright I hate it when people are about to tell you something but instead being I mean begin by telling you hoe many fuck let me begin again. this is lalalalalalalalalalalalalala that’s what I’m hearing in my head. I wonder why I never mind thought is gone. I hate it when people begin sdlk jf;ladjksfl;kajsdfl;k Argh can’t phrase it exactly RIGHT!!! I hate it when people tell you how many words they have to tell you. Now fuck it. If I had aevne I had ever TEN SECONDS to phrase that properly it would have had you in HISTERICS!!!! And that is NOT the right spelling of hysterics. thtis is WAY harder than I thought it was going to be. Well no one is reading this anyway. And jus never mind. Was going to go on a rant again cynics but fuck it. I’m gign to o wuickly to be able to phrase it proper;y But what I do find AGAIN SKIP TO HERE I’M ABOUT TO TRY AND SAY SOMETHING SOMEWHAT COMPREHENSIBLY!!!! I was curious as one I men asdojif aspodi fuasdlgajndlfbjndl fjvadms;ljvb dsafvasdfjv At one point I became curious to know if the speed at which we experience reality (REALITY IS ONE OF THOSE WORDS YOU CANT SAY WITHOUT SOUNDING PRETNETIOUS!!! WE NO NEVER MIND STARTING A SENTENCE WITH WE WHEN YOU ARE BY YOURSELF SOUNDS PRETNENTTIOUS AS WELL, but what I meant to say was that someone should come up with alternate ACCEPTABLE words, deemed acceptable by the fucking COOL ASS MASSES for words that sound pretentious) anyway I was curious if the speed at which we experience reality is influenced by the speed of our thoughts. Do we sort of use them as an internal reference point to judge the speed at which things out there are happening? An interesting study ywoud be to give one group something to get them to think faster (wcould be some inaosdnf;oajsdfl;jasd interesting ITS FUNNY THAT JAMMING AT THE KEYS HAS COME TO MEAN IM GOING TO RE WRITE THAT BECAUSE I MADE A MISTAKE) man I thought this was going to turn out FANTSTIC!! Sorry I keep saying man. I think that if I wer a girl I would also be and feel sdfj asl;dkj f trampled by the csdlkj oops trying t o sound intelligent so I almost FUCK THAT fuck the people that think or say or put down orfuck asd;lkfj as;ldfja;lskdf what I’m trying to get out is fuck the people who scysld cynically put down someone as ‘trying to sound intelligent’, go sit on a fucking pinecone. But what I was saying is that if I were a girl I would be offended by how partisan our language is. the answer to the joke!! It’s actually been seven minutes sorry that i made you wait a bit longer but hten again who gives a fuck because no one is reading this!!! Why was sait asl;kdj fa;lsdj fl;askd jI’ll put some markers here so that people who are skimming will see it By the way I think it’s hot when girls thatnk the bus driver. anyway the joke. oops as;dk f;aksd jfl;kaj sdl;fkj al;sdkjf;laks djfl;k ajsdl;fkjasl;dkjfl;askdjfl;kasjd fl;kaj sd Fuck this didn’t you know what fuck that. fuck the critics fuck the imagined idea of quality that we’re forced to lvie up to. fuck the idea that things have to be perfect to be done and fuck my for I mean fuck me for saying ‘fuck the critics’ that’s a very retentious thing to say!! anyway the joke! ******* Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a convicted sex offender!****** I’ve definitely used that one before but since nosdkjflasjk dwell anyway. I found it mbarassing taking out my lunch today to sld kfjlasdk jfl;ask djlfjrestart. goddamit I wonder if I always ahavige this much trouble writing. Well I have been typign or trying to type non stop for about 24 mintues now. lk jl;jk l;kj l;jk did that while I scratched my head with my one had. Okay what was I jasldkjsady Yes I found it embarassing to take out my lunch a no fuck dfjla;skjd fl;ak sjdf;auentehjrgaskd;lnvklajrghwehf;jksdhosDHG;jshdflncaSKDJaiuschaHU leifhr I qill plT PLt plt PLt Okay movies I can talk about movies for a bit! Nope that is a bit TOO typical in a BLOG. Fuck why does everything that gets written on the internet have to be called a ‘BLOG’. Even that word sound s disgusting. Anyway It’s embarassing taking out your lunch when y ht there is duct tape involved in it’s packaging. lkjlkj lj sdlfk jsdfl alright my faovurite slsdk falsdkj f What I was about to write about earlier because I got sidetracked with this no I don’t know what to call any of this horse shit. No what I was trying to say earlier was that I’ll often hear a lyric in a song and mis-hear it. Then I’ll actually look it up and it will be much weless interesting than the one I though up m nope (CANT SAY THOUGHT UP MUYSELF BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS TOO SELF CONGARTUALTORY) it will asldkjf laskdj I prefer the was I mis-heard it to the actual lyrics! An example comes from “Dn’t Lok Back in Anger (ADVICE I WILL TRY TO TKE WHEN IM DONE WITH THIS IN THREE MINUTES!!!! THREE THREE THREE) by Oasis. the lin e is “take me to that place where you go wheere nobody knows if its night or day” I alsways thoguht that it was “t…. that you go where nobody knows if its not our day”. Sometimes I think I can FEEL that I’ll like a song before I hear it. That i’ll have some sort of magical ocnnection with this entity that is about to enter bmyl lie. argh Life. Anyway 1:55 left and by that i meant to write fuck what does it matter by the time I write it this will be over. This has been a pleasure. Pleasure Pleasure Pleasure. Argh. Anyway I might try this again one day VERY SOON. it was actually getting a bi nope cancel. I There were a couple of seconds grouped together MAYBE AS MANY AS TEN!!! When I felt that i was actually just writing what was on my mind. It was much hard er than I thought it was going to be. Maybe I should learn to typye first! I think the comparison to the musical intsruemtn makes sense. It’s hard to get what is in my head down on the keys HAHA KEYS LIKE A PIANO! quickly and accurately without thinking about it and fucking up whats coming next.

How to Actually Make the TTC the Kinder Way

I remembered how much I fucking hate the fucking TT-fucking-C today. I thought I’d write down some ideas before I realised that I’m just tired and cranky.

1. Make everyone that uses the TTC take a course on riding the bus. They could learn things like:

– How the back doors work. That way they wouldn’t have to yell “CAN YOU OPEN THE BACK DOORS” in people’s ears, as if the driver presses a big button labelled ‘Open Back Doors’ every time someone wants to get out.

– Not to stand at the front of the bus, with a bit shit-eating grin, talking to the bus driver like he or she is some kind of tour guide, cutting the amount of space people have to get on the bus in half.

– Not to wear THEIR FUCKING BACK PACKS on the bus. And anyone that’s taken the course and still wears a back pack on the bus should be thrown in jail. It would give those goofy TTC SHERIFS, or whatever the fuck they’re called, something to do.

– Explain to these jerks that they’re not doing you a favour when they move their legs to let you out, or let you into the window seat of those two-seaters.

2. Cut the bus in two and have those first six old-people-seats be a separate bus, and then have regular buses where you can sit anywhere and not have to get up at the next stop when anyone with a touch of grey gets on. Either that or make the old people call in to reserve a seat if they want one reserved for them. It’s not like they keep the best three tables in a restaurant empty for people that are really hungry. Let’s end this chronologically stratified public transit seating system. And while you’re at it, explain to these old people that seats on TTC buses aren’t the ornate pieces of furniture they think they are, and that it’s alright for young people to put their feet up on them.

3. Explain to the TTC people that three buses arriving together doesn’t equal ‘frequent service’ if there were no other buses for thirty minutes.

4. Somehow get bus drivers to understand that not everyone under the age of thirty is out to screw them. And if you want an intact transfer maybe you shouldn’t make it out of paper that’s so thin it melts in the rain. And get rid of child tickets if you’re not going to believe that a six foot ten year old that shaves isn’t a child.

5. Label the routes in a way other than pulling numbers out of a hat.

6. In the same way that there used to be smoking and non-smoking sections, there should be a loud troglodytic inane monosyllabic NO WAY phone conversation section, and a non-phone conversation section. Actually just have a separate bus for high school kids and have it always smell like Axe so they’ll feel right at home.

7. Let people know BEFORE THEY GET ON that this subway is going to be ‘going out of service’ at the next station.